toblerone

i ate a little of the to toblerone sir neil handed me.. i like to think of it as a christmas present with a friendly reminder.. so with every bite i reminded myself never to be late for his class again or any other class for that matter. and then reminded myself further to quit cramming and spacing out and that i should find focus for the remaining 8 weeks of my college life.. i still have loads of exams which equals loads of chances to catch up. so there, through toblerone i have my resolutions set for the next year. well at least for the first two months of 2008. =)

in the stillness of the night

...well not really. my brother's right beside me playing comp games so i can hear constant clicking and um game sounds.. haha. BUT to get to the point, i have to admit that although i work better and think better at night it's also where my worst moments happen. heartbreak, insecurities, crap. it all comes back at night. the most vulnerable moments of my life, what ifs included. i end up reading old blogs and feeling soooo different.. sometimes wishing i could go back, other times wishing that those things never happened. AND right now i'm in the middle of two lab reports but the effect of the "stillness" is still there. it's gonna be Christmas soon and i feel quite lonely.. weird. sad. and so unlike me. i miss .... i miss everything. can't wait for school to be over.

song of the moment

Hero
Boys Like Girls

It's too late baby, there's no turning around
I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud
This is how I do
When I think about you
I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you can get in line
But not this time

Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
[ Hero lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)
And I feel a weakness coming on
Never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

Pushing Daisies

Everyone wants stuff. We wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

in between things again

i'm blogging to get my creative juices flowing, well at least that's my excuse.. haha. i'm taking feature writing as an elective now so i got an article due tomorrow and though it's totally unrelated to my course i looove it.. a whole lot more love than i give to um let's say org chem.. and yeah i have a long test for that tomorrow. so guess what i'm doing? writing a paper or studying? well, the answer's neither! woohoo. weirdo. so not cool. see i got new games for my laptop and i just realized it was one big MISTAKE. argh. but i'm not complaining. hahaha. so when i get stuck and decide to take a break i go to my laptop and play. and when i feel like working (whenever that would happen) i sit in front of my dad's laptop. and since 9pm, this is the first time i sat in front of my dad's laptop. very good. haha. still the professional procrastinator. besides that i've got so much things to do that maybe i just love to dwell in that surreal break, 'cause i may never get one after Christmas. and by then i'll need to exercise. yes i digress...

suddenly stressed

it just hit me after typing my first homework.. crap i have 23 units this sem!!!! i realized that i haven't bought a book for Org Chem and i have to pass my first homework tomorrow... craptastic! i wonder who has a book... i can probably skip passing that first... hmmm.. and i've already got a long test for tue damn.. philo... and readings tons of it.. then long tests the week after.. it's gonna be one long sem! and i thought i was ready for it.. well maybe i am.. i just get like this sometimes.. haha.. earth..reality.. yeah imma survive! i have to!

headache

writer's block.... ca..n't..s..eem... to... write... anything... g.r.r.r.... this pains me

goodbye friend

our friend Baron died, a day after we visited him in the hosp. just came from his memorial service half glad that my friends and i were gonna reunite again (ace,kams, francis, caleb, mark and erwin were there) but sad too 'cause we were all gonna miss baron... thanks for the memories dude.. i remember in the hosp u kept telling your mom "uwi na tayo." i'm glad you're finally home.

one-of-a-kind birthday

for once i told myself i won't throw a party...and that's exactly what i did. and i enjoyed it in a weird epiphany kind of way haha. i didn't celebrate it for once, not even a special dinner or lunch, inuman.. nada. zip. i was just really planning to let it pass since one, i didn't feel like celebrating the day i turned twenty (hahaha) and two, the past 19 years of celebrating were enough for me. not just the birthday parties but the ups and downs, friends i have, lost, and gained, family, and God's numerous miracles throughout my life. it has been great and i just wanted to sit back, let the ordinary day go by and say wow, this is my life. i had it planned in my head, when i get home from the plevsem i'll treat myself to a spa and get a massage, manicure and pedicure and get home and watch DVDs.. it was supposed to be a ME day. but that's not how things ended up.

on the eve of my birthday i was asleep in tagaytay only to have cyndee and the whole BOx e-board wake me up and sing happy birthday and hand me a banoffee pie!!! and for that thank you!!!! i don't remember ever being surprised on my birthday especially at 12 mn. haha. since i was up i forced my room mates (arch, cyndz, steven, anix and carls) plus greg and kevs to stay up with me and eat pancit canton, crab and corn soup, corned beef, chips and drink lotsa booze in the attic. and we all ended up sleeping sober at 5 in the morning :p
THANKS EB i love yah guys!!! :)

anyway i received a text from juancho on my way home saying that baron was in cardinal santos with liver cancer. there's where all of my plans changed. i learned that an old friend of mine had a few weeks to live or less and i didn't even believe it.. but i decided after a while to go with my grade school friends (kams, juancho, chico and francis) and off to cardinal santos we went. it was weird since we never saw each other for ages and then we see each other for this... seeing baron with cancer was different, a really sad and low experience but we had to keep the smiles 'cause he didn't know of his few weeks left.. we spent a few hours there remembering the old days and trying to get baron to smile once in a while or make a sound reminiscent of a laugh since he was in pain. (please keep him in your prayers 'cause miracles happen)... we had a lot of stories to tell and catching up as well with baron's mom answering for him..so when we left and then i finally got home i told my mom my day was worth it. being reminded that life is fleeting and that just one day of celebration isn't as big as turning 20 day by day with so much time spent with people you love. life was worth it.

my day didn't turn out like i expected but i still feel as satisfied as having a party, minus the hang over. thanks to everyone who greeted me but next year i think it's back to throwing a parteeeh.. haha. guess that's still me. =)

injuries and a haircut

welcome to my weekend. friday -> went to school for thesis and then went to archie's place for Wii haha :) had to cross the "bakod" from ateneo high to loyola grand villas..clumsy me i fell, so hello wounds on arms and chin.. sucks.. but i was still able to go over it! thanks arch... and sorta got over my fear of heights... and yeah learned i'm a girl.. haha :D sooo friday night i finally decided to have my hair chopped off... i'm not sure yet if it was the right decision but so far so good.. hair grows anyway.. :) i'm finally getting driving lessons!!! (jumping for joy!!!) i'm starting next week i think. saturday -> all shook up auditions extended... then the whole prod got canceled 'cause the producer backed out.. :( but sure enough BlueRep's still gonna come up with something! was supposed to go to toff's bday party but wasn't able to due to lack of transportation and well my legs and arms ache, i kinda forgot i fell haha. tooo bad.

anyway..."spring cleaning" starts next week. can't wait! woohoo. seriously, i want my room fixed. that's that. good night!

x-files

oh by the way! i stumbled upon the x-files.. that's what i'll call them now haha. it's this box filled with letters from my ex (booo), yeah i still have that.. weird. anyway, it felt good looking back with no feelings whatsoever. (except probably nausea haha) reading those letters affirmed my decision of staying single (for now) and being really cautious about commitment. the last letter i read was after we broke up, and i guess there were still inklings of us getting back together then, but its been 3 years and hell nooooo. i guess we've both learned our lesson of going too fast and yeah fools do rush in... but i don't regret it, that experience made me who i am now (a much better and less emotional person, i mean less gullible). "love" was different back then and i reintroduced myself to a different han, one i've turned my back on. and yeah i know i'm never going back. oh the box? i'm keeping it.. it serves as a good reminder. BUT i'll throw it as soon as i find that person with whom i'm willing to take the risk with again OR if we move to the states, haha, whichever comes first.

early morning blues

i'm happy 'cause i gave my blog a makeover... :) although i'm sleep deprived 'cause of that.. haha :P i can't sleep because the shrike outside my window is annoying!! (yes i now know what that bird's called thanks to biosystematics). i went online for no reason since i woke up at 2am?! grrr.. and since then i've been up. i no longer plan to sleep cause my thesis groupmates and i have consultation at 9am (that is if we are awake by then or haven't fallen asleep). my dad wants me to exercise and read a good book this sembreak... which means i need to buy rubbershoes and buy a book!!! but i don't have money. booooo. sooo, what can i do??? read an old book and exercise in chucks haha. i'm bored and sleepy. and i'm rambling. i hope i get a good breakfast! hmm happy thoughts...i get to go out of the house today! that's something since i gave myself a house arrest. still thinking of a hair cut. and i just had another happy thought! what?! anyway i'll stop here. have to shut this down or my dad will kill me haha. bye internet world and hello real world.. hmmm breakfast

guilty pleasures

since this sembreak i won't be able to go to our beach house in Bicol nor have a trip to Bali (boo, gave that up for driving lessons haha, which i still haven't started grrr mom and dad haha) i've been doing lots of nothing lately since i'm broke thanks to thesis. thank God i was able to buy dvds last week and i can download series once in a while.. due to my couch potato-ing i've craved for loads of food like v-cut, peanuts, sugar donuts, shawarma and pizza. hellooooo fats, gbye exercise!! and now i want ice cream or fries hahaha. seriously i need something to DO. but i keep skipping stuff like hanging out with my friends or block sports events (celebrity anyone? sasama na ako!) all because i wake up late (like 3pm late haha). so i only move my butt out of the house on weekends.. haha. i guess that'll do.. seriously next week imma start to exercise!! oh and go to tagaytay!! woohoo. yeah i'm bored.. back to hollywood gossip now, another guilty pleasure.

i wanna DRIVE!

woah i can't believe that it has been a month since my last post! wow, i guess i'm no longer a blog addict haha. a looooot has passed already. i went through my post production hangover without blogging about it. sembreak's here. my theo teacher's a bitch. and i want to party. basically, that's the gist of my one month. haha.

to take it piece by piece...let's reminisce over my wonderful experience as a cast member of Blue Repertory's Sister Act 2... silence.. oh there's too much. haha. i really had fun and found more of who i am as a person (seriously, i did). i loooved it. being on stage was a big thing for me and meeting everyone involved was so great. i gained friends, i think that was the best part. i know i won't be able to repeat the experience (23 units next sem grrr) which is probably why imma treasure the memories more. it's too sad that its over.. weird that i didn't cry about it (like HSM).. but i'm still sad about it haha. i actually gave up my Bali trip to go to mav's debut haha. (oh and other reasons too.)
NEXT UP, my theo teacher's a bitch. partly my fault (semi overcut) but still WWJD? hahaha. seriously, she made uncalled for comments after my orals.. very "untheo-like" of her... i do hope she grows a heart in the near future and doesn't give me a failing grade.. i did OK enough. oh GOD help!
ON THE LIGHTER SIDE: it's sembreak! well not really, i still have my physics paper to pass tomorrow. BUT i already started sembreak with parties and booze.. haha. hopefully there's more to come. but for now i need to focus on cleaning my room and some household chores, my usual sembreak duties.. what i really want to do though is have some driving lessons!! i gave up Bali for that too. haha. i told my 'rents that instead of Bali as a bday gift (damn i'm turning 20), i'd rather learn how to drive. :P an ultimatum of sorts, so they'll really give me driving lessons this time (c'mon i've been asking for 3 years now!)...

anyway.. i have new internet distractions:
http://www.perezhilton.com
http://www.hollywoodgossip.com
http://trent.blogspot.com
http://gofugyourself.blogspot.com
the websites involve hollywood stuff haha. yeah i'm that bored. maybe i do need a boyfriend (for the lamest reasons ever!).. oh but i did have a crush who i tried flirting with and he didn't even get the hint.. man i've lost it (the charm i believed to have haha).. crazy, but i did get pissed about it for a while.. yeah i've been single for too long i think (3 years), but i still hate commitment (icho this is your fault! kidding!).. anyway i've been scouring the net for cute haircuts (and researching about thermodynamics too, yep schoolwork's still there) just in case i do decide to have a haircut.. but i have to decide next week (cause no big decisions during period, that's the rule.) oh how i miss the beach!

eep i'm rambling now.. i guess that's that.. toodles for now :)

they say i'm going crazeeeh...

it's late and i have a 9am class tomorrow, AND sister act's critics night is tomorrow as well. BUT i can't seem to tell myself to fall asleep. my heart's beating faster than it usually does and i know that i'm tired, stressed, and exhausted... but, i'm crazy happy! the "i feel like dancing" type of happiness?! and i'm filled to the brim that i can't stop smiling or laughing and it's weird. haha. i guess i was able to vent everything out last sunday. all the stress and crap, i just sat down, broke down and cried. i cried my problems away, problems my friends have shared with me, and all the stress i could take have been flushed down the drain. ack, my stress management skills have gone haywire. but at least now i think i'm doing much better. especially when accompanied by the fact that i've really got nothing to complain about. right now life's good. and everything is where it should be.. next stop? the love bus i hope haha.

but seriously now, a lot of my friends have their med school app. forms and i've got none. 'cause i haven't even taken the NMAT yet. and reality hits me once in a while that this may be my last year in the phils. (or last 2 years) and i guess that's what makes every minute here worth savoring. and i'm loving it. i just hope this happiness expresses itself through my grades as well :p hehe. that's it so far.. hopefully now, i try and get some rest. and great dreams as well. :) toodles.

happiness...

Happiness is anyone and anything at all
That's loved by you.

(Happiness--You're a Good Man Charlie Brown)

ateneo vs dlsu aftermath

pure jubilation. haha. exaggerated? no! haha. but too much school spirit? yeah! hahaha. serves you right maierhofer! pride comes before destruction :P hehe. so don't celebrate too early. and DLSU.. good game!! and please don't protest this time. :P

next time, i'll make sure to get tickets.. most probably for the final four games :)

sorting priorities

my laptop seems to be working slower than usual nowadays, especially when i need it. i got home around 10pm and started studying for systematics, but i don't seem to remember a thing. it sucks 'cause i should have just slept and that would probably make me feel better. :p but now, i've still got a blank brain, an unfinished physics lab report, and a 7:30 am to 8:30 pm friday schedule. will i survive today? i doubt it. and what sucks the most is i probably won't be able to go out tonight after rehearsals... (sorry cyndz).. i feel dead tired right now as is. crap. i just hope i still maintain that B i got for my lab exam. and i will never cut again! haha.

stronger.

there's this survey thing i grabbed from my friend's multiply.. and anyway there was one question there or should i say prediction that said whatever i wrote on this number meant that was the song i felt about my life, and the song i wrote was stronger by kanye west haha. so i got curious 'bout the lyrics and here's how the chorus goes
Now that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
cause I can't wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
cause I cant get much wronger
man i've been waitin' all night now
that's how long i've been on ya

so what that means? i don't know exactly. hahaha. but maybe the lines "stronger, better, harder, faster" is probably what i do feel about my life now. haha. i wanna end up stronger and better even though the obstacles imma face are gonna be harder and yet i want all this to end faster :D cool haha. well anyway, here's the whole survey:

1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.
2. Next to the NUMBERS 1 & 2,
WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

3. Next to the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. SAME SEX IF GAY

4. WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...) next to 4, 5, & 6.

5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11


HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME

1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE THAT LIKE YOU is found in SPACE 2.
i answered 8

2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE.
i wrote the name of my "current crush" haha. and it's so not true. haha.

3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7.
guess whose name i wrote, to give you a clue, IT'S SO TRUE!

4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4.
i wrote my bestfriend's name, jei :)

5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
cyndee.. =)

6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR.
my mom =)

7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3.
"the way i are" timbaland (works for me haha.)

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7.
"way back into love" music & lyrics ost (hmm, a lil bit)

9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND.
"in my song" written by rony fortich, to be sung by Sister Act 2 Cast (So watch us in
ADMU)

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE.
"Stronger" Kanye west


11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER. if there's such a thing. :P

it's been a whiLe...

i've been up to no good lately, when deciding not to finish my lab reports. thanks to my old distraction, multiply...and my new found one, facebook... lol.

But seriously speaking now, i always thought that being in a play would relax me and take my mind off Bio. Well it did, but in a stronger way than i expected. there are days that i'd prefer rehearsals over class.. and in reality (well yes i'm admitting my nerdiness), i'd actually rather be in class. OR maybe being a performer, changes the perspective of a long time production person. i tell people that it's harder being backstage and calling the shots than being there on stage and seeing all those faces. IT's TRUE. BUT, for me performing isn't as easy too. although i've never been a shy person, hello? but i don't sing or do choreographed dances in public unless of course alcohol is involved. haha. kidding! and now, i feel like i'm in a whole new league altogether. i've gained a new excitement for being on stage, and my respect for performers has grown, especially due to enduring all the warm-ups!

So right now, i am distracted. Because i need the concentration to keep me sane amidst all the choreography i have to remember. I guess the movie Ratatouille was right in saying anyone can cook... i just had to change it to "anyone can be whoever she wants to be and do what she wants to do." Being on stage also made me realize that i have already actually found my niche, in Bio. But i still do enjoy exploring.

True, i'm a science major at heart. i always will be. But doing other things emphasizes my belief that i can never box myself into one category. I love bio and now i've fallen in love with theater. And yet i don't see myself repeating the experience. 'Cause theater made me realize that i'd always return to my dream, although delayed, i'll still become a doctor someday no matter what.

past life

i got curious.. haha. and frankly, if past lives were true, i'm ok with this one.
http://thebigview.com/pastlife/

Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Ukraine around the year 1775. Your profession was that of a leader, major or captain.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life.

---

Do you remember now?

crap

i can't move my right foot that much.
to make matters worse, i have choreo rehearsals tomorrow.

i haven't finished my physics lab rep! why? 'cause i don't feel like doing it. tsktsk.

i cut class this morning. reason? i overslept.

i reeeaaaally wanna go to warehouse this sat.

i must quit you.

my legs have died

choreo for Sister Act started a while ago and i had no energy left that as soon as i got home i just slumped on the couch and fell asleep. AND i just woke up! i still have so many things to do and shoot, this is going to be my life as long as there are choreo rehearsals. SEE i have this belief that i have two left feet, or maybe just 'cause i started getting fat and i could no longer move. haha. over exaggerating here. i'm just really tired. i slept so much during my five-day weekend, and i guess i wanted it to be a 6-day thing. and i guess i felt weird and "unrecharged" when i didn't even go out or hang with friends or family. i just slept and watched TV and ate popcorn. ack, couch potato me. now i have to get up on my feet again and try and dance. and at least consider it as exercise which would make me think that it's fun. phew. now physics, here i come.

afterthought and incoherence

i was really supposed to write an august 11 post but at the last minute i decided against it. and i forgot about blogging altogether. BUT thanks to this 6-day weekend due to continuous rains, i find myself with lots of time on my hands. BIOnight's finished. and that's the only thing i'm going to say about that. So far i've been doing nothing besides school and rehearsals. and that's basically it. And since wed, i've been doing nothing but eating and sleeping, thank God there were rehearsals yesterday.. and now that it's still raining, and rehearsals were canceled, i've got nothing again. although i did finish editing our multiply site, and i've already done parts of our physics lab report, right now there's just silence, the rain and well youtube.

so where am i right now in life? i'm settling. just basically enjoying what's there and taking things one step at a time. that's about it. AND it's working for me. i no longer get too stressed when there's really so much to do and so little time. and i have more time to give now actually, well we'll see in the future. i'm trying to give up on some bad stuff, i lost my voice already i don't wanna risk anything else. so now what? berries and cream or robot chicken probably. that's how productive my day's going to be. and tomorrow, i'm probably going to finish all my lab reports and have time to fix my room. i guess tomorrow's gonna be better. rain. bah humbug.

dreams.

here i go again with my emo posts.. and i was right, i knew i'm going to write lots of these since it's my last year in college, and that is if i pass all my subjects.. :p

we (Bio girls) had our group photo shoot this morning and right after that, cams said in the bathroom "That was fast, we just smiled and it was over" and i replied "just like college"... and honestly that wasn't true.. somehow i wish it was but NO. the past three years of my life were filled with the biggest up and down shifts ever.. some aren't even academically related. I remembering entering college with the biggest smile ever, and even though i still have that smile pasted on.. its meaning is far different, and i guess i like this smile better. As a freshie, i was just happy to be in college and to be in ADMU, and of course to be in Bio. Now, i am smiling not because i'm still here BUT because i know that every little thing has been worth it. No matter how crappy or how beautiful, they all end up teaching me lessons. Things i'd never want to forget.

After the shoot, i found myself in music rehearsals.. thinking that here i am, i've done it. i'm doing it. being in a play, IVP of a Bio org, atenean senior, soon to be doctor. i've been living the dream... i never lost it. there have been failures, one too many for my standards. but i'm still here and it's just that i've had new dreams along the way and well, now they're working together.. the nerd, the party girl, the leader, the thespian, the doctor. ME. =) yep, it is worth it.

on things that have been

hellish two weeks.. and that's beyond academic requirements.. what pisses me off most is incompetence and blatant disregard for authority.. wanna know what i'm talking about? wait for my august 11 post. with the stress that goes with school, i didn't want to be an officer of an org i love just to be insulted to my face.. to top it all of they were unfounded insults. somehow at the back of my mind i'd wish they'd fail... but my actions..well our actions always end up speaking differently.. probably because we move with our minds, conscience and love for the org fused together in one direction.. and that is to do things right. but there are moments that we highly regret having made that decision.. looking forward, i hope you never win if you do run. and all these.. you'll learn on your own..

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE...

i'm in a play.. =) and that's all i'm going to say about that...

it's not out of line.

i don't get why guys don't get the fact that i don't like hovering. it's simple as that. i'm not stressing about it or making it a problem. maybe i just don't express myself as well as you do but now that i've got no harry potter to bother me while talking to my friends, i get ME now, it's clear as that. I ABHOR HOVERING. girls get it. thank you.

it's not that i don't want to

flashbacks... painful ones... filled my mind today. i guess i'm still trying to find my peace. it has been a while since i got stressed at home.. cried my eyes out while writing a philo paper... then felt bad about a friend.. then things just went haywire in my head.. and well maybe in my heart. so my mind decided to do a replay... and here's what i found in all the mess..

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out

.... no i won't wait forever....

and that song just hit like crazy.. that was just perfect. perfect. if only i knew that back then. and here i am, years have passed and i know that i won't wait forever. BUT i was willing to. just the mere fact, makes me feel different about you. maybe i am lying when i say that things are back to normal. and i know that it's been a while. but flashbacks are worth it. and waiting.... it's not that i don't want to... i just know that there's nothing worth waiting for anymore...

on a bad day.

what makes me feel lucky on a bad day:
1) a good friend who'll hug you
2) someone cute who'll make you smile
3) laughter shared with new friends
4) winning a BOx volleyball game
5) and macky escalona doing side sit-ups with no shirt on

*sigh. i guess it was a good day after all.

Thanks D! i love it :)

So Contagious
Artist(Band):Acceptance

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

multiply maintenance

thank God i have blogger. haha. since multiply is currently unavailable due to site maintenance, i find myself with nothing to do amidst all the school work i have to accomplish. haha. yes, cramming at its finest. i'm kinda more excited with the field trip than i am able to focus on finishing the lab reports.. which is probably not due tomorrow... or maybe that's wishful thinking. besides that i feel crappy after that physics long test. ack! math and me.. not a good pair at all! at least i can look forward to tomorrow! the BEACH! again. haha. although i'm not suuuuper excited, it's just far better than any other ordinary day in school :) well there's nothing more to say i guess. and i still have to pack. and soo many people are online.. maybe it's multiply's fault too :P

the weirdest thing about me...

i'm a cynical biatch when it comes to love and the like..i don't like mushy movies that much and i don't swoon as often as other girls do. i'm no hopeless romantic and yes i know i'm jaded...
BUT i fall willingly for or maybe at least start liking people i know i can't have. and those that don't want me back.
weird. but that's me.

i just realized that at the weirdest of moments. haha.

Thank God that hasn't happened again. And i hope it never will.

just a really nice song... that i really have to share :)

Rest of my Life
Michelle Featherstone

Here we are,
Staring straight into tomorrow's eye's,
What do you see?
Can you see the same as me?

We hold hands,
We take walks and talk,
And laugh about things.
I'll tell you what,
This could be the way,
That every day was meant to be.

I don't want to go,
I don't want to stay one night,
Or one day.
So i'll stay the rest of my life.

I don't want to leave,
I don't want to be one night,
Or one day.
So i'll stay the rest of my life

How 'bout that,
Waking up every morning with me.
Spend our time drinking coffee,
Speaking softly as the days go by.


The rest of my life

Let's just let it start

The rest of my life...

that girl in the mirror

i ask myself sometimes what i'm trying to do with my life. there's a bad side to me that i feel is starting to equal my being good. well if you get what i mean. i am trying to be serious here. :) i know my parents place no pressures on me with the fact that i am a pastor's kid. which is why i probably love being one. and i love God extremely. He's everything to me. but still i guess every person has a rebel inside them but i don't get why i have one. i know i have no deep grudges against my parents.. and i know i am a good enough daughter... but my lungs and liver would probably disagree. and i no longer want to dive into details. thing is i've always had that part of me and i've always wanted to shake it off. but i don't. it's a really big difference...wanting something and not doing anything about it. now i want to be strong enough.. but it is my last year in college.. and maybe my last year in the Philippines. maybe things will change then. so can i just stay like this for now.. crazy. semi-rebellious. and yet compassionate and headstrong on the other side. schizophrenia yes. although i do wish someday that this would end. and when i stare at my reflection in the mirror, i'll love the whole me.

sense of nostalgia

i'm trying really hard to finish 6 lab reports that are all due tomorrow. and i'm really grateful that my groupmates in physics are crammers too. haha. but for the 5 other lab reports i'm individually doomed! i have almost all the research done, but i haven't written anything in my lab notebook. and then i realized this is going to be my LAST first stressful night of my LAST first semester in Ateneo. yes i got sentimental. thanks to paolo p. for posting orsem pics in multiply... my nostalgia worsened. haha. and i'm in my last stretch. finally. although i know this is gonna be my hardest year ever but it's gonna be worth it. because i'll have to end good, if not perfect. and maybe i'm posting this too early in the year or maybe this is going to be the first of many nostalgic college related posts. haha. wow, i'm graduating and i'm scared, excited and thankful. yes, this is it. :)

what if?

what if....
the world asked me as all my options run around in my head
memories passed
decisions made
stories told
things lost

and i replied slowly..
damn. what if?

and there epiphany struck
i know i'm never gonna ask that question again.
that's that.

delayed gratification

...is the ability to wait in order to obtain something that one wants.
(thanks wikipedia for that)

so waiting. something i'm not so good at. i know that i'm a very impatient person and i just can't sit in one spot for a really long time. or maybe that's mild ADHD haha. but seriously, for things i really want like chicken skin, the hot fudge in the sundae or frenchfries after a value meal i CAN wait.
and to add to that i just had my ears pierced for the nth time! haha. actually 4th lang. and this time i'm really gonna wait for it to heal before i change it into beautiful dangling earrings haha.
but for LOVE... weirdly enough i can't wait. does that mean i don't want it as much?

jagged edge of life

i know i keep telling myself that i KNOW, i seriously don't know if i have let go. and i'm speaking in general. see, i miss my old kada... i never meant to hurt them, and well i guess they didn't mean it as well.. but za's message recently struck me like i'm the bad guy in this circle of life. well maybe i am and maybe i was. and i told myself to LET GO, sides i already said sorry. but i know somewhere something's different. things will never be the same. and i know i've been told again and again that someday this would happen... things you'd love to stay constant would change. and if you can't adapt.. try accepting, if not, then let go, the worse kind of let go. and i know i love 'em too much to just up and leave but i'm in the stage of not wanting to accept. i know it's mean and out of character for me BUT i tried and well i just can't. maybe one too many mistakes have been done or events that asked me to pull back. and it's too different. i miss you guys. i'd love to be back and be IN IT with you guys again. i miss the circle, the confession bench, the inner circle, shisha, the laughs, the tears and time spent just sitting together. but time isn't on my side and so are my emotions. but trust me when i say that i didn't leave, i'm still here. just not in the way you wanted me to be. and for that i'm sorry.

the journey of lost causes

i told karlo this morning that i wanted to walk aimlessly around campus... just like what bjorn did over the summer.. and suddenly everybody started talking about their aimless walks and i realized that i already had mine.. one too many... i guess that's what i do, i walk aimlessly around if i feel LOST in life or if i'm drowning in stress, fear, sadness or anger. my first failure ever caused me to walk around aimlessly.. i called it my journey of lost causes. see every time i walk that particular walk, i feel down.. i have usually failed myself. me. the lost cause.

BUT. this morning... i wasn't feeling any of that. as a matter of fact, i felt quite the opposite. i was happy, i've been smiling more now. and yet i craved for that aimless walk.

so maybe there's no such thing as the journey of lost causes. because, there's always a reason for picking up yourself and just walking away. the walks either bring you back to reality or take you out from it so that you get a better perspective.

i guess if i was able to have that aimless walk this morning, i would have thought about leaving everything behind and re-planning my life. i guess i got too bent on my plan A that i forgot i still have plan B to think about. and there is no such thing as a closed option. i have the most unlikely person to thank for bringing me back to my "kiddie heart and soul"... somehow he made me remember that it's still ok to dream, to get flattered, to swoon, to be obsessed, to love life in a young kind of way. my outlook was getting too old, far too old for my age. too happy or dare i say too settled. now i'm back here on earth.

i guess i didn't need that walk after all :)

back to basics

i tried writing poems... and yet no words flowed. and i got so pissed at blogging altogether. haha. so i took a hiatus once more and tried to look for inspiration, depression or meaning. :D i figured that i wrote better poems during heartbreak and depression, and i guess that was 'cause i couldn't handle that emotion without bursting into tears or breaking stuff SO i wrote instead. but happiness and satisfaction? i love. i'm at a phase where i like how things are going and it feels good, even if there are problems and during times that i'm pissed, i still end up smiling. in line with that, i finally auditioned for a musical... i got called back and didn't get in. haha. and as for magic 89.9, i ended up a correspondent instead of a junior jock. not too bad i guess. yet still, here i am smiling. somehow i know i've got nothing to complain about. and here i am trying to express it in words but maybe i can't. anyway, here's a quote instead:
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
-Henry David Thoreau

i guess now, that's what i'm trying to do. enjoy life's every little detail so that in the end, i'll know that I have lived :D

"post stress syndrome"

i had one of my long nights where sleep wasn't involved. and it's 5:20 in the morning and i haven't slept. to top it all off i have a report today! how shitty would i feel i wonder. haha. and yet i know i needed this night. silence. and the continuous whirring of thoughts in my head. one step at a time, i was able to finish three tasks at hand. step 1 = thesis ... step 2 = econ project ... step 3 = com report.

besides that, i was able to pour things out to "bean" and for that, THANK YOU. especially the talk a few nights ago. and i was able to say sorry to jellone. :) (ninjas yah hear that?)

right at this moment, nothing seems to bother me. my mom's coming home on june 2 and i can't wait! but we'll be leaving next year, and our papers would be fixed starting january. but we'll still wait for God's word on that. but somehow i know deep inside that everything has just fallen in place.

so for now, i'm de-stressed ... and i feel fine. and well i've craved for this peace after stress for a while. and i'm ok that i got it now. so there. hoping for a fine weekend =) and for any other stress factors to come... i'm ready!

one of those days

it's one of those days where you wish you never fell in love
or that you didn't leave your head in the clouds
one of those days where you have no idea where your brain's at
and have a perfectly clear place for your heart
no matter how many times you wish you won't have a day like this
you always do
and then in the end, it feels great that it's one of those days

how friends cause you to break

forget that YOU have feelings and place their feelings above all else before even looking at themselves. and risk hurting you in the process.

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be am tired of being your friend

I'm tired.stressed.irritated. at least allow me to vent.

223

this is my 223rd post, woah! i guess i do talk a lot... but compared to some, maybe that's quite few. i only make do with the amount of internet time i'm given :) lol. well so far? so good. my goal for summer? Ace my subjects.. haha. :D i've got two (econ & media studies) plus one thesis. my subjects give me ample time to focus on my thesis which we haven't quite started yet. :D although i honestly can't wait, i've been borrowing steven's enthusiasm and i guess now i found my own haha :) and i looove my groupmates cyndz (my college "bestie" haha) and steven (her beloved boyfriend) :D

BUT i need 10 perfect quizzes and really good critical essays to pull off the grade i need. :) and i can do that. with a little more focus and a little more enthusiasm.

so anyway, the fun side? gelo and i made it through the 1st round of auditions of magic's junior jocks. the second round will be on thu. at first i was freakishly scared and excited. right now? nothing again. but i do hope i get in.. ok ok, fine.. i hope we get in! haha. good luck dude.. and well good luck to me too.

what else? i miss ma. and i need to do my laundry. and think of a topic for my 1st critical essay :) so i end it there. haha :D told yah, no lessons for now. just stories :)

summer bummer

i've put off blogging for a while since reg + start of classes. i guess i had nothing cool or fun to write about. lol. well, i failed chem. so that's that, i have to repeat it. but i'm cool with it i accepted that fact already mid sem. haha :D

i know we keep on saying that summer class sucks, but it's actually cool since i have something to do everyday hehehe (i got that from karlo)

so besides that what have i been up to? gelo and i dared to audition for magic 89.9 junior jocks hehe and we have no idea where it goes from there. oh but we'll just cross our fingers woohoo and hope we get in and get paid :)

and that's that i've got readings for media studies to print.. hehe back to the good ol' reality. no life lessons for now, just stories. :)

the attack of the mayflies

after a short hiatus from blogging due to finals and our kada's beach escape I'm BACK.

finals was stressful and tomorrow i'll know if i actually passed or failed chem and i'm scared! it's not that i don't want to fail, it's more than that... i DON'T want to repeat the friggin subject! oh well i'll save that fear for tomorrow.

the whole beach trip was as usual FUN. like our very own SWEET ESCAPE. it's weird 'cause i got stressed out trying to plan it so i freaked out and passed it on to gelo, who (congrats again) pulled it off! and the fun wasn't cause of the overflowing booze (which we didn't finish) it was because we had ample time to bond again and retell stories and reminisce. things our busy scheds don't allow us to do. coy would remind me again about sensibilities, za and i would talk about almost everything, we'd make new friends and rekindle old friendships. and that in itself was special (booze not needed) and our ritual was performed haha. that crazy old "ninja" thing. but it was cool. it's how memories form right?

and back here in manila means back to reality. just like fen said, back to problems. see i've now realized the heaviness of chores i have to fulfill besides actually taking summer class. my mom's in san Fo and we got no maid so my bros and i are more stressed than usual. i MISS my mom who i talk to every night so all my bicol stories would be saved until she gets back. hehe. i try to have girl talk with my dad but i'm probably boring him :) thank God for webcam and YM, our means of reaching her.

SO anyway, the first day i got here in manila meant CLEAN UP. and the mayflies have come. all the stress factors, the chores, school, NMAT, everything. and they've been emphasized by the plague-like appearance of tons of mayflies in our bathroom which we try to "eradicate" everyday to no avail. haha. 'cause we'll have a new batch the next morning. just like problems... they'll never leave. unless FIXED. and yeah right now i'm happy and OK, but still we need our short escapes to regain ENERGY to face too many tomorrows. :)

pursuit of HAPPINESS

i had a long talk with an old friend recently, who kept forcing me to admit that i wasn't happy, and when i told him i was he couldn't even believe me. weird. oh but i still love the dude, but the really weird part was when he sent the quote the morning after about how happiness and finding life's meaning happens when you open your heart and fall into the arms of someone. hahaha. mushy beyond imagination. but i can't blame the guy who has just recently fallen in love and well i'm happy for him BUT i DON'T believe him. i think that before truly being able to open your heart and well fall into the arms of that special someone you should have already found meaning and happiness in your life and 'cause it overflows you want to share it with someone. i know i'm young and i probably don't know a whole bunch yet, but love that truly lasts happens when two happy people get together 'cause it's not about completing each other, it's about complementing each other. those with problems and insecurities fall into the arms of someone cause they can't handle things alone and sometimes love becomes dependence and then it just gets tiring. so being single doesn't mean being sad. that's plain wrong :) i know people in relationships (aka in someone's arms) who don't consider themselves happy. but whatever position one is in he or she can be happy. that's what i truly believe. it's all about trust in God and doing what you love most and finding who you truly are amidst this world of pressure and labels. before anything else, you have to be happy yourself then allow yourself to fall into someone's arms :)

finally bracesless

i went to the dentist a while ago to have my braces removed finally, after 5 years i'm completely braces-less :) last Dec 2005, i had the top braces removed and now just a while ago it was completely removed yay! haha. that's all actually.

just because...

... i can no longer hear his... haha. i'm too emo now. :p so back to microbio!

incoherent ramblings

so there i was listening to the radio when i heard about the teen blog awards and i gave it a shot, went to candymag.com and nominated this blog (haha, im such a loser. :p) nah but seriously, i thought it would be fun. but for the blog to be eligible i had to place a digital sticker by posting an html code that they'll send to me. but when i nominated my blog i realized that the e-mail addy in my candymag.com profile is obsolete. so there. i can't join anymore :( sad sad. haha. 'cause i tried again and they said that "the blog has already been nominated". oh well. maybe next year.. BUT i'd no longer be a teen then. grrrr. haha. it's really funny that i'm rambling about this.

EDITED 03-23-07
i finally have my teen blog awards sticker. but i just borrowed it from a friend's blog and my blog can't be found on the site itself so i don't really know if it's for real haha. (soo blog awards officials tell me lang what i should do hehe) and i now get why i rambled about it.. it's cause i miss candy :) i've treasured so many coc3 memories and somehow i've got so many regrets like how i wasn't involved as much. hopefully someday us coc girls get together again :P miss you guys!


anyway i was playing insaniquarium last night and all my fish died. so i read my polsci readings instead. in relation to that i found out that i lacked a paper woopee. there goes my hopes for exemption down the drain. i just hope sir claudio allows me to pass a late one. thanks to hsm i missed the crucial sat class where he announced that extra paper thing, and my good friends apparently forgot to tell me. and now it's too late... well i hope not.

a while ago i was watching joyluck club and got depressed 'cause my mom's leaving on the 31st. that means i'll be a mom for two months and i'll be lacking a best friend. sucks to be me.

sir guidote told me that i had no choice but to fight. yeah like i'm gonna stop. oh well i've got one last hurrah. the finals. like that would do me good. F here i come.

so what else? i have a post lab to do. the last chem post lab i'm ever going to make in life. hmm. too emo.

that's that. now to get my head back in the game.

so i had a good day

i woke up early enough to review a bit for my microbio lab exam. i was able to memorize all the biochemical tests and all that jazz. i got to school early enough to grab a hot choco from figaro, sing disney songs with my friends and continue to review my notes. come test time, i was relaxed enough and was able to identify an unknown bacteria. lol. so anyway after the test, i went back to matteo, bothered my friends again. haha. and afterwards, i went home and slept. 4 long hours. and i woke up again early enough to read my polsci notes and download the things i needed for microbio tomorrow.

i know that all those things are mundane, things an ordinary bio student would do. but it's been a long time since i was able to do all those things. and i missed it, being an ordinary student. i guess the rush of high school musical has left me, and all the stress from orgchem became normal. and every little thing i took for granted, like hot chocolate or powerpoints, i suddenly felt grateful for. and no matter how ordinary everything was, it felt so good. like i had a good day. and sometimes you just have to lose yourself in all the ordinary things to realize that LIFE is special. and all the stress (sufferings) you go through are worth it, once you experience the peace of an ordinary day.

tales of the misfit in me

here i am again after the orgchem test. and somehow i no longer care. karlo says maybe i'm too saturated. no. it's not that. i just lost all feeling related to it. like i no longer am part of that environment, like i'm invisible in orgchem class. or something like that. my mind keeps drifting away to some other things. like microbio, philo or something as shallow as what to do during the weekend. i don't get it. i know i have to do well, as in really well. heck i'm on probation. and i don't want to repeat my ordeal last summer. that was HELL. but i just hope and pray that i'm going to do fine, despite an F. since i just got an A in philo and well a B in microbio. good enough. BUT soon, i want to do more. i wanna be MORE. after all the shit i've been going through. zero love life, zero social life, less than steady academic life, close to negative spiritual life. all i know and truly believe.. is that when i keep going, i win. only when i give up do i truly lose.

post-production hangover part two

part two? 'cause this is the exact same feeling i had after sweet charity. and for some reason, the second hangover is worse. maybe 'cause i wasn't that quiet or shy anymore and had reason to bond with almost everyone. and i really had FUN. and i keep thinking that the stress and the missed study hours were worth it. being a stage manager for high school musical is by far one of the best experiences i've had in life.

i'll miss ms. chari's sudden call for "SMs" when something's terribly wrong. being a stage manager under her is really great training, and you're taught to never slack off and be responsible and credible enough so the cast listens to you.

i'll miss the cast, and how i had to take note of their blockings their entrances and all that jazz. i'll miss the quick backstage laughs, the com set, cleaning up after zeke's cake and cleaning sharpay's costume after a while. i don't regret having my pinky sprained, haha because i'll miss catching that basketball. :) i'll miss calling battlestations and being stressed out 'cause the cellphone props are gone.

i'll miss the production crew. jaja who's the best hsm, can't imagine how she survived that. love yah sister! cyndee, who's my siamese twin haha slash mom. kitin, my co-stage right manager, TRUST! haha. i love it! thanks for putting up with my sudden spurts of katarayan.

i guess i'll miss everything. the bleachers, not so much! haha. and i can't wait to see everyone again. whether in a party (hint hint) or through backstage again or hopefully someday on stage. I LOVE YOU GUYS. good luck sa lahat ng BATTLESTATIONS na madaanan niyo. and if you need anything i'm here. just don't call me ate if you're older than me. haha :)

february 29

if only one extra day were added to this month right now
extra 24 hours would do me a lot of good
more time to sleep, to study, to eat.
one day can make all the difference in the world.
trust me. just ONE day.

but the sky is still blue

i was waiting for my dad to fetch me, so i sat on the soccer field bleachers in ateneo just taking everything in. i needed it, the solace of the wind and silence amidst the hustle and bustle of school. and then sadness just enveloped me, like a dark cloud hovering above. but the sky was still blue and the sun shone through. that was ME, blue skies with invisible dark clouds. with no warning at all, storms may fall. sometimes i feel like i've lost people i want to lean on 'cause i've been too dark or maybe too flimsy. maybe nobody can get me. i can't get where i am right now. and i want to get out of it, i really do. i know i can, cause the sky, it's still blue.

f*ck chem

f*ck chem. that's that. no more no less.

LIE

whoever said life was a breeze would be lying. which is probably why nobody i know ever said that. at the end of a bad day, there's nothing anyone can say to make bad things go away. they're there. if they do go away, you know there'd be new ones when you walk on other paths. so i've learned to let go. i planned a revamp, one where i'd delete things i'd rather not remember. so i DELETED the blog that all started 'cause of a taxi ride. yep, all 83 posts gone.

but then, it's still here in my heart. EVERYTHING remains. and i'm not talking about the posts, i'm talking about every little painful detail of life. it stays there. as a mark, a scar. a memory.

and well life is NOT a breeze. it just isn't. and it will never be. somehow you know it is easier to fail life than to live it to the full. and yet we continue to try. and i guess that's what's great about people, giving up is always the last resort. and we die before we reach that option. so i don't really know where i'm going with this post. maybe it's chem fever again, the fact that i failed another long test. it's plain draining so i decided to focus all my energy on subjects i can ace. and pray to God i keep the qpi i need.

or maybe i'm just tired and i don't get it. outside i'm always this happy bubbly perky person. but inside, i lose myself to bouts of anger, sadness and well hurt. whoever says life is easy probably never loved, never risked and never cared. and that's plain inhuman. so i'm ok with being an imperfect lost being as long as i know i'm human and that God loves me. with that in mind, i can sleep.

the best and worst about my weekend

first weekend of High School Musical has just ended. and i still love the stage, the backstage i mean :) i've been on stage before, but being a stage manager is equally fulfilling. and i looove it. i also love the fact that cyndee's with me :)
the cast was GREAT, is GREAT and will continue to be GREAT. kudos to everyone. one more weekend to go, that's 6 more shows and in a way i can't wait. but i also can't wait to rest...

so what's the worst part? i LOST my phone AGAIN! damn! i was in a hurry last friday to get to my report for history from megamall, missed all my classes during the morning 'cause of my broken finger x-ray, which wasn't broken after all. when i arrived in class at exactly 2.20, i realized my phone wasn't with me. freaked out for a bit, but what can i do? nothing. damn. after the report, i had to return to megamall. and that was that. i couldn't bitch about it much. grr. so anyway, imma buy a 3210 or 5110 soon. and pray that it doesn't get stolen! duh.

so i haven't been home much except to sleep. now that i am, i have a paper to finish. good luck to me. and goodnight to all.

waiting is the hardest part

i came from rehearsals which was until 9pm, then settled down to watch a movie, Blood Diamond, then surfed for a bit and still nothing. what have i been waiting for? my microbio groupmates to send me their stuff!!! kidding, haha.. seriously, i've been waiting for epiphanies. moments of inspiration or sudden realizations... related to school, love, life. right now i can't even sit down and write a history report or decide to research for microbio. i guess that's what overstress does! i'll be in school from 7am to 9pm tomorrow and i'll be dead tired to study for quizzes or read philo, let alone edit a video?! i guess i've pushed myself to the limit one too many times. and waiting, waiting for things to change or things to happen is the worst part. 'cause waiting can't get you anywhere. in the long run your forced to move. but as of now, leave me at the waiting part. because i have not much left in me to decide to move.

weirdness

judging by the sudden theme of my posts, i guess my layout no longer fits my blog. BUT i'm too lazy to change it. i miss bubbly ol' me who actually is always there, just not HERE anymore. apparently i'm a master of withdrawal, when i know i can't take it, i end up doing something else. BUT it's still there, the ringing in my ears or unbearable silence. i don't know! i've been down and the feeling's indescribable. it's like one minute i'm beyond happy and then totally sad the next. two emotions and one personality, dig that.

i know this has to be something deeper than school, or a silly schoolgirl's crush. and yet i can't
pinpoint the reason why at times i'm down and out. i can't explain me. and it feels so bad and the 'badness' trickles on every little aspect of my life... school, health, sleep... i don't know! i said i don't. i'm just a wreck that's it.

here i go again

chem long test tomorrow
just imagine what i'm feeling right now
PRAY with me

post valentine's day reflection

someone told me that when i do have a boyfriend, i shouldn't place too many expectations.

and that was something i already knew.. BUT this time he was pertaining specifically to valentine's day. and yeah i agree. i LOVE the holiday and all but valentine's day should be everyday. it's getting too commercialized with the chocolates, roses and haranas. and somehow you know you just get them 'cause it's vday. when i do have a special someone, everyday should be special. and professions of love should happen any day right? but at least we have "love day" where everyone either single or not get to celebrate the joy of being in love or having been in love.

LOVE, it's such a great gift :D

hiding doesn't help

i wanted to QUIT.
heck i still want to.
and if you're thinking, maybe it's just rehearsals or school. well you're WRONG.
i want to QUIT LIFE.

and it's not something that's easy to say or something easily shaken off.
i'm too tired of everything.
so i HID.
i shut off the radio, turned off the lights and put the blanket over me.
come morning, i didn't go to school. i gave up friday.

BUT it's still there. life won't leave me. so i HAD to LIVE it.
i felt sick, with make believe fever and headache.
begrudgingly by afternoon i made it to history class.
right before class ended, i got called for recitation and well i ACED it.
so i got happy and went shopping.

and at night i had a great time with the family

so there, hiding doesn't help

BUT it still doesn't change the fact that i want to quit.
since i no longer believe in "tomorrow's better"
i have no idea where i'll end up.
and i don't know how i became like this.
maybe it's because CHEM KILLS ME
or i'm just plain tired and low.

someday if i do get better
i'll look back on today and hopefully with a lesson learned
but now? i've got nothing

much ado about nothing

i'm in the middle of too many things right now and i have no idea where my head's at! hahaha.. although i'm enjoying watching heroes, it's really cool! i can't get enough of it..and i'm supposed to be up studying for philo orals. and i am but i haven't really answered any thesis statements but i've read all the readings and checked up on all my notes.. so i guess all i need are notecards. :D i hope. lol. well anyway, i guess i'll be pulling an all-nighter AGAIN. but this time no caffeine. i'm taking a break from coffee.. hehe.. i think i had too much these past few days. anyway, how have i been? the usual. busy busy busy busy! i can't wait for all the busyness to end.. and parteeeh! hahaha. grrr..anyway to get back to philo orals OR heroes watching.. :)

*sometimes questions are more powerful than answers*

should i be ranting?

well since sunday night the only good sleep i've had lasted 15 minutes.. and i survived crazy 36 hours pumped with coffee and lots of adrenaline! all thanks to my orgchem test.. i seriously suck at that subject.. and well so far my two majors have gone haywire?! well i still have lots of time to catch up.. just hoping my professors aren't mean enough to fail me.. just one last year in school i can do it with God! amen! hehe.. but i'm serious.. i just hope and pray things work out as always in the end.

sometimes u can't make it on your own

i had a weird epiphany moment during philo class this morning where i was supposed to be prayer leader. and i didn't want to.. i couldn't even think of a prayer, the very thought of praying scared me and i had no idea why. and it felt sad. i used to love talking to God, i seriously loved praying. it's during those moments that i can say everything to a someone who won't hate me and that feeling's great! and i guess through that everyday prayer leader thing that happens so ordinarily, i realized that i forgot i could talk to God. and no matter how simple that prayer was in class, it felt like meeting up with an old friend whom you've missed sooo much. and in line with that i knew that i needed help, i needed Him again.. i slowly kept relying on myself believing i could do all things as long as i put my everything into it. well no, i should have relied on God 'cause sometimes you just can't make it on your own. and well, He doesn't want you to experience that much stress :) God you're great i missed yah! :D

reunion

i had the weirdest "future flashback" or whatever a look into the future's called when i went to my mom's highschool reunion :p hehehe! first of all, why was i there?? well i just wanted to hang with a friend (the son of my mom's classmate.. cool right?) BUT he had to leave for basketball so i made a new friend hehe.. another son of another classmate of my mom :D yes yes, i talk to new guys (just as long as they have girlfriends.. nyahahaha) so ANYWAY, why the "flashback"... well i kinda saw US (our hs barkada) in them.. haha.. like i could point out who i was gonna be or who jel was or who acoy was.. haha.. it was kinda cool.. and seeing them still hanging like that and having more and more stories to tell gave me hope that even though all of us go our separate ways, we'll still end up as friends no matter what.. haha.. love you guyz! booze party soon!! XoxO

oh well i miss it

sometimes i still wonder if i'm in the right course.. although i doubt it for the wrong reasons..
i guess it takes some time before you regain focus and zest in life after too many shitty moments and events.. but i miss it, the days i loved bio, even chem. i also miss hanging out with friends on breaks drinking and whatever other stuff we felt like doing. i miss gb3, i miss glorietta, heck i miss makati hahaha.. i miss CALL, i miss acting and singing and dancing.. i miss things i never did like hanging out for hours in the bluerep room or performing during college. i miss skateboarding, bungee jumping, surfing, white water rafting, sky diving and snowboarding. i miss the things or people i wasn't able to have. i miss jeijei and old friends, batchmates or not. i miss love, the romantic kind. i miss lola. i miss God. i guess i MISS life. life the way i used to see it. life the way i wanted it to be. just wishing that someday (hopefully starting tomorrow) i wouldn't have to miss it again.

one liners...

there are just too many WHAT IFS in life...