just a memory...

it's not about the tears
it's how you never failed to make me laugh

and you're worth every single tear
worth every smile
and unforgettably close to my heart

today you simply can't see it

but someday
you'll understand why

525,600 minutes

how do you measure a year? measure life in seasons of love and it'll be worth it :)

and i have to say that life is worth it when there are friends that i can i trust my life with... you guys know who you are and you know the story.. :) i don't have to elaborate now do i? all i have to say is that i'm quitting the lifestyle.. that's the last of that... i don't wanna hear gelo say '4 and counting'..it's nice to stop at three and no longer count from there ryt?...

what helped me up in the morning were the conversations i had with my mom and gelo... i'm grateful that my mom rocks.. and wouldn't trade that for the world.. gelo on the other hand was someone i never expected to talk to but thanks! as far as i remember, i sent him a message in the morning saying that i'm wasting away and that this isn't me.. and i miss me...

slowly i'm trying to pull back all the pieces that i've thrown away..and maybe in time i can truly say that i'm complete... i remember my psych prof saying that in entering relationships, you have to be whole first.. 'cause how in the world can you share life if you're lacking? and that's true..and maybe it holds true not only in boy-girl relationships but also in friendships and in family... i'd love it when that day comes that i can share ME, the whole me to the world... 'cause somewhere inside the deep dark heart full of broken glass and shattered dreams, there is a sun that'll shine and a light whose glow is worth waiting for...

and i gotta start now.. 'cause there's no day but today... :)

p.s. i've got a rent hangover 'cause i just watched it with my tita awhile ago.. it's a must see :)

so sick

the song played at the exact time i flipped the channel to MTV... thanks MTV for that friendly reminder.. i just had to blog about it.. everybody's ranting 'bout love and i've got nothin' to rant about... you see i've turned cynical/ skeptical again on anything 'bout romance.. and i am so sick of love songs! and sooooo tired of tears... i'm telling you, this is it.. i ain't gonna risk big time things like my HEART in the near future, no thanks! i've had quite enough for a few years, i'm taking a break.. a well deserved one.. and what i told my friend just a few minutes ago, we're strong bitches, no one can detest to that..

well, i'm a strong girl... and i can live w/o love, m.o.b.S, and the like for the meantime.. :)

and now, to get ready for archie's party... hahaha..

just these lines

I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

i abhor boredom.. and what i loathe more are headaches... and right now, i am suffering from both.. first weekday with no school and it sucked! the only good thing is that i was able to catch up on my sleeping..besides that, blech...my summer agenda to sleep all day and party all night didn't work for me today.. why? i wasn't allowed to go out.. damn..haha.. no regrets.. tomorrow has to be better than this..

so..a survey...stolen from lyra's multiply..hope she doesn't mind... just to kill time.. hahaha... and boredom...

(1) Who did you last go out with?
> sina floyd, acoy, havoc, bags.. boys night out???

(2) What do you want to receive on your birthday?
> lotsa money.. hahahaha...

(3) Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?
> my cellphone..

(4) What time did you sleep last night?
> 2am...

(5) What's the wallpaper on your computer
> A flower on a sky blue background.. boring yeah...

(6) What are you going to do 5 hours later?
> still be in bed i guess!!

(7) Is there anyone/anything you're thinking of now?
> yep..plans for 2m...hoping it's gonna be a busy day..

(8) What was the last thing you touched before the computer?
> remote control..

(10) What can you hear besides the computer?
> the electric fan...and this annoying thing that keeps banging on the wooden wall..

(11) Why did you answer this?
> i'm bored... ain't it obvious?

(12) Name 5 people you saw yesterday
> ma, ez, elij, river, cleone

(13) Do you agree to the saying "Forgive is to forget"?
> nope... sometimes you've already forgiven, but the forgetting part takes a longer time..

(14) When, where was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?
> friday early morning.. right before i decided to call shoti and rant...

(15) What/who makes you happy?
> friends, family, my dog, the beach!!!

(16) What makes you sad?
> being left out in the cold and losing something worth a lot to you..

(17) What are your favorite books?
> soooo many!!! but right now it's by the river piedra i sat down and wept by paulo coelho..

(18) What would you like to have right at this moment which seems totally impossible ?
> nevermind.. i've grown too tired of wishing for it...and it seems that it's no longer worth it..

(19) Who will you turn to if you have a huge prob?
> my mom...

(20) What's your favorite song at the moment?
> so sick!!! :p

(21) What was the last song that kept ringing
> Bad Day - Daniel Powter.. now karlo, i wonder why??? hahahaha...

(22) What was the best event that happened last year?
> i gotta say my debut!!!! :)

i can have beautiful days... :)

saturday was a perfect end to my crappy last week of school!!!

6am..woke up, ate breakfast and texted karlo not to give me my wake up call 'cause i was already up...hahahaha :)

8am, karlo picked me up.. we were gonna meet our blockmates in mcdo katips 'cause we were off to tagaytay..

we left mcdo by 9am and stuffed 13 people in one van.. sat on the floor with berto, lara, and ven.. hehehehe... sayang si mike naiwan.. pero ok na rin 'cause makikisiksik lang din siya uncomfortably...

arrived in tagaytay, lunch time.. ate at RSM.. crispy pata, bulalo, inihaw na pusit, chicharon bulaklak.. yum!!! a little bit over budget but i guess time with friends is priceless :)

after eating.. we stuffed 13 people in the van again.. sat in front with harm and iea this time.. and we were off to canyon woods..

volleyball... kickball... touchball... guesstures and the 'i never had' game filled our afternoon.. at night we played a bit in the playground..

of course we took so many pictures!!!! imma upload it in my multiply site soon..

loved that day.. irreplaceable.. :)

rule 3

SLEEP!!!

cramming kills

here's the thing, you know the government warning they write on the side of cigarette boxes : 'smoking kills'.. well they should have a sign like that on all school requirement guidelines: 'cramming kills'.. seriously it does.. but people wouldn't even bother to listen.. like the smoking kills line, i had to point it out to a smoker before that person realized the warnings were written like that.. well on some brands at least, like dunhill if i remember correctly.. but we never pay attention to warnings.. we just run straight, head on and get hurt or eventually die trying.. and i keep wondering, when will i ever learn? when do i jump off the sick cycle carousels of life? if i do jump off one, i end up riding the next.. crap.. and you've gone on too many turns before you realize, whoops i'm on another of 'em carousels.. so, if you catch me buying a ticket to the next carousel, try stopping me... if we don't pay attention to warnings, at least maybe we end up listening to people we love.. and rules aren't guidelines, they're rules, follow them.. well, at least try... so rule number one for me: listen to people who care about me.. and rule number two: cramming kills!

this is for keeps

sipping coffee on a late weekday night
feeling cold and holding my cup tight
remembering how you waved through your car window
how i hated our goodbyes
and yet all that's left now is sweet sorrow

i'd trade this coldness now for one of them sweet goodbyes
i'd rather have one last goodnight kiss than tears running down my eyes
could it have been better if i held your hand tighter?
was i too harsh? was i too much of a fighter?

am i a fool to keep dreaming of yesterday?
was it stupid to keep all my feelings at bay?
and tomorrow if i see you, all i can give is a smile
'cause that's all you want, and that's all you give back

no matter how many more pieces i find of my broken heart
i can't help but love finding the pieces where you played a part
crazy, i know this is not me
i'm no longer the hannah i wanted people to see

here you go, my weakness and fear laid all out
falling in love and falling apart
i am most vulnerable when i'm near you
'cause i hang on to every word and every little thing you do

but this is the last you'll hear of it
the last of my 'it's too late' moments
life has always taught me to let go and move on
it's time i applied my life's lessons to you

insensitive.... (jann arden)

How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

just to get it out

i think i commented recently to a friend.. 'screw love'... and yeah.. i was a hypocrite when i said that... i can't just screw love.. it's just there.. i can't ask it to leave.. it stays when it wants to.. i can't simply shun the thought, 'cause i'd always end up feeling it... and maybe it's not love i abhor.. but the infatuation that comes before it, the one that may never end up in love.. the weird feeling of "is it love or like?" that i have to deal with.. i hate it.. damn.. when berto asked me awhile ago.. "gusto mo pa siya noh?", and w/o skipping a beat i said "sobra?!" damn.. that was a case of my mouth moving faster than my brain.. or maybe it was the feeling, shouting out loud that it wanted to be heard...but it was heard, and rejected.. so why doesn't it leave? can't infatuation take a no when it receives it? why am i rambling on again? why can't i stop? why am i still feeling it? probably because i'm a stubborn person who wants everything... but no...i've had a lot of "NOs" in life, and i took it..quite easily... how would i know if it's love? how can i learn to hate again? why can't i just simply let go? this wasn't BIG.. it was never big.. am i overreacting? or did you underestimate the power of what this simple craziness can do.... see, i'm incoherent again.. but i can't stop thinking of what if.. and i am mad at someone else who doesn't seem to appreciate how happy i could've been..(floyd knows this) selfish person, but i was also selfish to you..i wanted to be happy....but, what makes you happy is best.. and what the heck?! i've been beaten up worse than this.. but seriously...i don't know..maybe if i had one wish........

i got through it!

woah..
i'm still standing after two shitty exams..
oh God, kayo na po bahala.. shoot!
nasa huli nga ang pagsisi..

pero summer!! here i come! ay..2 more finals..one last paper and i'm done!!!

i was trying to study SA..but.. i don't know.. i'm just gonna go through the readings... twice.. then ok na un! ung reports? ewan..i'm just gonna wing it..

this is my worst finals week.. in terms of study habits.. oh God!! help me regain my focus!! can't take this! waaaaaah!!!

soooo...anyway.. cyndee..u made my night.. "someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.." u sent it at the exact time i was ranting 'bout shit like that.. damn... hahaha :D

oh well.. socio and anthro..here i come..

loving it!

big kahuna, eastwood
friday
9pm
summer fashion show
free flowing drinks
cyndz and steven
harmony and her friends
berto 'the model'
and my kada, 'ninjas'
laughter
stories
hiritan
dancing
perfect end to a shitty week
lovin' it!

and bang! reality hits.. finals na.. i don't consider myself well studied yet.. i figured if i blog first and study again..i'd be ayt.. i can do this!! chem..stress! histology..less stress at least.. ooowwwkeei..to get back to work now.. hahaha! see yah summer! i'll be home soon :)

paRa sa mga sawi...

my advice... wahahaha.. listen to madonna's recent song.. 'sorry'..
here's an excerpt..

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

like what our psych teacher said, women are worth pursuing.. and iea perfectly added that men who can't see this ain't worth it.. i'm not bitter.. well, i no longer am.. hahaha.. it's just that we gotta rise above a lot of crap some less worthy people throw at us.. think about it, how many chances have we gotta give? it's not like we're given that many chances when we make mistakes.. 'cause of that double standard imposed on females.. well, raise the bar girls! i ain't against men or infatuation or falling in love or romance.. just pick wisely the second time around.. or the third.. haha.. well "heartbreak season" just hit.. and hopefully all the really good couples out there have a good defense or are well 'stuck' together.. and to all those who got hit, someone's out there who'll make you cry no more..i strongly believe that.. :)

blame it on the sun

(by Stevie Wonder)
Where has my love gone?
How can I go on?
It seems dear love has gone away.

Where is my spirit?
I'm nowhere near it,
Oh yes, my love has gone astray.

But I'll blame it on the sun,
The sun that didn't shine,
I'll blame it on the wind and the trees.

I'll blame it on the time that never was enough,
I'll blame it on the tide and the sea,
But, my heart blames it on me.

Who poured the love out?
What made this bitter doubt?
Is peace not here for me to see?

Wish I could tell you,
What I am feeling,
But, words won't come for me to speak.

But I'll blame it on the sun,
That didn't fill the sky,
I'll blame it on the birds and the trees.

I'll blame it on the day that ended once too soon,
I'll blame it on the nights that could not be,
But, my heart blames it on me.

--> mehn, this song is soooo cute... hahaha.. i'm watching american idol, and kellie just sang it.. but it's actually better if Stevie Wonder sang it.. hehe.. oh well! i'm on a Stevie Wonder high.. he has so many beautiful songs.. now elliot is singing Knocks me Off my Feet, one of my stevie faves!!

whhaaat? anyway....

i'm super enjoying my chillax moments right now after a very toxic day!!! i'm uber grateful to God that i'm still standing.. phew! from lab test to SA orals to chem lab class in the evening.. haaay...langyang araw!! it's a good thing i don't have class tomorrow so i can study for psych at night.. when my brain's working.. then sleep all day and go to school by 1pm!! looooovin that! hahaha..

to all those chicks who got hit by the domino effect of heartbreaks.. (L2 girls, love yah all, kahet ung mga in-love..hahaha) kudos for still standing!!! la lang.. nabad3p nko eh.. tong mga boys na toh!!! what happened to all the love in the air?? gone... hahaha..

wwwhhhhaaat? anyway...

i miss hanging out and just dozing off on the couch.. summer's calling!!! just wish my grades are ayt... haaaay... chill...

sunkissed

paradise..
though i haven't found it, i came pretty close
one big break
one far get-away
...from schoolwork
...from rehearsals
...from heartbreak
and even though my back is heavily "sunburned"
i still loved my weekend!
i just wish ma, pa and my bros were there to spend it with me..
and it could have been better if i didn't study once in a while..hahaha

that trip to hundred islands
..though the beach itself ain't all that
was worth it 'cause of the laughter, the bonding and moments imma treasure for a looong time..
and yeah, i can't dance...haha! probably the worst dancer in the arce clan!
but at least i was able to belt out my sorrows through song..
haha..so much for my happy ending!

well, now i'm home..
and studying chem again..
reality..
it does bite..
and my sunburns sting like hell..

but i'm gonna get through this
like i've gone through every stumble in life..
hahahahaha..

lovin' it!

SA "fieldwork"

to appease my 'diet' conscience, i just had a low fat chocolate ice cream... but i had violet crumble and oreo as my mix-ins... grrr... cold rock! hahahaha.. man, i missed gb3! i just had to have ice cream there, 'cause of harm's suggestion.. hehehe.. so why were we in makati?? to do interviews for our SA report... we went to allied bank in ayala ave. and interviewed ppol with special help from harm's dad! we even had funny pics with wads of bills... hahahahaha... oh well... at least our 'powerpuff trio' as berto puts it, had so much time to bond again.. and we ended the day shopping for 'enz'..lara's darling boyfriend..hahaha.. hay, monthsaries... i saw this shirt in penshoppe Glorietta-- no boyfriend no problem! love that shirt! hahahaha... p350 lang.. may willing ba mag sponsor? hahaha.. man, i'm stressed.. i've got this long exam on monday.. chem!! pray for me!!!

well anyway, i'm off to hundred islands in a few... i love it!! paunang summer break... hehehehe.. oh, i hafta pack pa!! booyah!!

wish list!

two weeks before this sem is over and i super can't wait!!! even though i ain't too excited to see my grades as always... hahaha... so wish list just for the fun of it!

1) my grades will be ayt and i get that financial aid thingee for SUMMER.. i really need it!!
2) a hundred islands trip with the family!! (i think i'm getting that!!)
3) thin enough before apr30!! hahaha..
4) gotta have some more moolah..
5) guts to finally finally audition for a play...hehehe..blueREP nman..
6) for someone to come crawling back when it's too late!! evil laugh (i'm just playin'..haha)
7) to get this sem over with but still standing!!!!
8) to finally move back up to my room, i hate sleeping on the couch na!!!

there..8 wishes...ones that are realistic enough right?? hehehe... that's that!! gotta go..if i plan to wake up for school tom..

grrr...one class!! just one!!!

haha..well, see yah!

focus hannah focus!

i have to do my day to day incoherent ramblings.. you know, things left unsaid but never unwritten.. hahaha! man.. i woke up at 3pm today?! oh my! shoot.. i forgot to go to school.. i wasn't even able to go to the strike set thinamajiggy.. woah, what happened to me?! i dunno.. too tired.. too stressed out... too many hangovers all bunched up!!! i miss call time actually, i super miss everyone in Sweet Charity and i super respect a stage manager's job now.. hirap ah!! hahaha.. i miss hangin' out with friends... i can't wait for school to be over!!! where am i? LOST.. grrrr... i have this LT in psych tomorrow..and i dunno how i managed to study.. everything today feels like one big blur.. well, i finally got a RENT dvd..oh and i saw bags at galle...miss that dude.. and i ate the garlic and cheese quesadilla again in TF...haaay, after so long.. so weird day.. really weird.. i don't even get it.. my body clock's all messed up.. oh, and if i had my way i'd never get over you.. but shoot, i got the just friends talk... applause.. ok, mind back to reality.. i gotta study again..or maybe watch RENT...hmmm... the latter sounds better.. hahaha.. i'll be back..with better posts.. haaay...

when a kiss on the cheek is the only thing left

The last showing of SWEET CHARITY has just passed... and i was gonna entitle my blog "confessions of a first time stage manager"..but it sounded too professional and too unrelational, when in fact the past few months i've spent with the SC cast and crew are more than just days to get things over with.. i've gained new friends, new stories and we've shared our lives together since that first music rehearsal last November.. and since then, it has been one big happy ride... and too many words, probably too much for one entry, could describe the painful, tiring, stressful, learning, fun, exhilarating, crazy experience i had as a stage manager and as a part of another blueREP production.. we spent our last moments hugging and taking pics and laughing at Jack's loft in eastwood.. without realizing that it may be the second to the last time our whole group would be together..the cast party may be the last.. sad as it is, we all had our goodbye kisses and hugs and promises of see ya soon.. but for now, a kiss on the cheek is a memory i'll hold dear... 'cause for me, the whole experience is like your first kiss on a cheek.. sweet enough but not violating.. and worth falling in love with... that's that.. 'til the next production!!! :)

"fun" run

emphasis on the quotation marks... lol!

that was a really loooong and tiring 5k run!! but i'm proud enough.. i finished in 37 minutes.. and that's with a sprain on my right foot!! beat that! hahahaha... today's gonna be a really long day and the sad/happy part is the last show of Sweet Charity.. happy 'cause i'd be able to get some rest after all that stage managing 'til late night..and then cramming for papers in the wee hours of the morning! STRESS! hahaha.. but really sad 'cause imma miss those guys i've spent mondays to saturdays with...singing, dancing and working!! really.. we're professional.. hehehe! man, i love blueREP! it's my detox thing from all that bio.. hehehe! can't wait for the next prod... but before that, the prod party of course!! wahahahaha..

anyway, i'm uber tired pa..and i have this frankenstein paper i'm trying to finish... hehehe... so imma see ya guys on the flipside! smoochies!!

summer.. can't wait....

just a few more of 'em crunches, a lil tricep and bicep toning, and lotsa dieting.. man, that's a lot pa pala.. but with all of that, imma be proud enough to have a full bod pic fo' shure.. hahaha.. :)

i've got a gazillion things planned for summer.. but idunno if imma be able to pull all of them off.. and i want all my party lovin' friends (old and new) to be there.. yeah.. summer's gonna be cooL!

what everybody knows

i messed it up once again
oh snap! me and men..
i thought i'd never make the same mistake
but i fell for a love i couldn't take
don't you know that i want to be more than just a friend
what i needed was for my broken heart to mend

wait! stop hannah, i'm not supposed to be writing this
all is done, all is well, there's nothing left to miss...
but i can't help but pick up the pieces
of the broken love i have that never ceases
no, it'll all end, i'm sure it will
but our friendship, boy, it's fo' real

infatuation, my greatest enemy
that crazy concept that found the weakness in me
my poor battered ol' heart
God, fix it again like another beautiful work of art
slowly He's gonna glue back the tiny little bits and pieces
and bring me back up, standing, strong, straightening out the creases

strangely, i am grateful i met you
and i'm happy for all things said that were true
maybe in time i wouldn't regret falling
'cause that's one of the ways to know if my heart's still beating
i'm talking straight now, coherent and sober
phew, am i glad it's over :)