to love and to be loved in return :)

... is the best gift ever. :) can't wait for the next 4th. :)

getting fatter this christmas

i can't wait to leave for Baguio on the 27th :) finally, real vacation time :) i still owe my public health groupmates a feasible topic for our paper, will deal with that tomorrow.

i've been eating as if i were to hibernate this christmas and that's so not good.

to make matters worse i can't walk around much thanks to that barbeque stick that decided to puncture my toe.. resulting in me having a medicated christmas eve :P anti tetanus, antibiotics, and pain killers. looove it, NOT. :|

anyway, i've enjoyed drinking mudshakes a little too much and i will sleep now.

boyfriend, i love you lots..remind me to jog when school starts :) haha.

i still love the holidays :) reminds me of God's crazy love for us :)

good night world and Merry Christmas :)

there are still days when i question my being here

my year off stemmed from big crazy ass dreams of leaving. and i still wonder if i took things seriously, would i be in this place right now? maybe not. as i tried to clear my thoughts for my management paper and report for tomorrow i stumbled upon a friend's blog.. who had bigger dreams than mine and now he's somewhere in Europe, living the adventure he wanted his life to be. i know i said months back that staying here is the adventure i want. but there are still days that i wish i'm somewhere else. don't get me wrong, new things have happened by staying and they are great.. one "thing" i particularly love the most ;)

it's just that sometimes, i miss not knowing. i miss big crazy ass dreams. taking leaps. living one day at a time. exploring the unfamiliar. i miss the adventures i decided not to take. and even if i say there are no regrets. i still miss what i will never have.

BUT still...i know i'm living my dream. i just have to persevere, that's all.

i missed blogging paragraphs. :D

to end my paranoia i stare at cute dogs... now i will sleep.. screw physio.. i can't take it anymore... i just hope i remember...

paranoia

a disease that sucks the life out of someone happily in love...

the hypothetical cure: assurance, hugs, kisses, and more love.

still a little sick though.. i blame me. haha. the last time i was in a girlfriend position, i was high school... foolish and stupid.. cheating was cool.. being crazy was cool.. but to truly fall in love.. that's a new thing for me.. i don't like getting hurt, i don't like feeling.. i hate romantic movies.. i am jaded... that's me.. so the paranoia is purely my fault.. and the person i decided to fall in love with... i watched him, fall in love with someone else so deeply to the point where i laughed inside because i told myself, that will never happen to me... well it did... ironically, i fell for him... and yes he tells me and shows me how in love he is with me.. and how past is past.. blah blah blah.. but oh so jaded and poor poor me, i still have paranoia.. and nightmares.. and i randomly ask friends if we are ok... or if i'm going crazy.. or worse, if i am right... the best thing i've heard... "if he was like that for the wrong girl, how much more in love will he be for the right girl.. and you are the right girl." to the person who said that, YOU made my night... but i do hope i am the right girl... and that my falling so crazy deeply in love will be worth it. to be me and to be in love with my bestfriend. crazy shit. haha.

Sonnet XVII - Pablo Neruda

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you this way because I don't know any other way of loving

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

But this, in which there is no I or you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep

...

imgfave.com

growing up comes with the decision that the person you wanna be with... is the nice guy :) and that relationships are for keeps.

:)

remember when i said i'd never look at your xanga again...

well i did haha.

and and.. :)

and my heart.. skipped a beat haha.

you really didn't have to do that..

but it made me smile like crazy

and now i can't sleep.. :P

too many musicals.. too little money..

karlo and i decided to save money.. haha. and i need that, we both do.. but why are there so many musicals right now that i so want to watch.. and so many restaurants where i want to eat.. and and and things i want to do.. and it annoys me that i could be working now and able to afford all those.. since there not really expensive if i had a regular salary... but no, i'm in med school.. supposedly living the dream.. but even after a whole week of rest, i still feel a little tired, not really refreshed, and not super excited to be back on monday, and i already have one "removal" haha (and i'm keeping it that way).. and yeah that's basically the dream morphing into a nightmare.. crazy.

but after all this, i still want to be a doctor, that's the only thing i want to do. medicine or bust. haha. even if there are many things i can do.. there's still only one thing i want.

so the musicals have to wait...but i'm still watching rent in february.. :P

re-post :)

i posted this last september 2004.. and i'm reposting it.. since it's for the exact same person ;) and apparently the effect of my insomnia is unstoppable reminiscing. or maybe i'm morphing into a real girl friend.. cheezy.. mushy.. and googly eyed... ew. haha. well not really ew.. hahahaha :P but seriously, i don't even like ashlee simpson. :P

Pieces of Me (Ashlee Simpson)

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's a mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...
I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...
So I can breathe

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

even if blogging here is old school..

i tried to re-design my blog and bring back my old html skills.. and i realized i no longer have them. after 2 hours of html editing where the end would have been my blog looking like a planner which would have been really nice... i quit. haha. and brought back this old fixed blogspot template. why? i don't even blog here anymore. :l even my dad said, "but blogging's done in facebook and twitter now"... YES i know... i have both. haha. but i was trying to get in touch with my sentimental side (guess i had one) by fixing up this blog where all my stories since the start of college can be found... meeting new friends, falling in like, joining orgs, first failures etc etc etc... and now 5 years later i'm in medschool... and blogs are limited to 160 characters.. and i'm with my guy best friend.. things i wouldn't have imagined when i started writing here 5 years ago.. so NO, i can't let go of this yet.. and as a very chatty person, it's getting hard to limit my stories into tweets. :P so i will blog old school once in a while.. in times like these, when my reminiscing is not limited.

oh and i'm supposed to be enrolling in the morning.. and i'm cooking for karlo during lunch.. ooooh :) can't wait... but i have reverted back to my insomniac ways so i'm just hoping i fall asleep soon.. if not, there's cable.

i'm happy it's september :)

... because the BER months have started. :)

and that it's almost the 3rd month :)

cheezy. but true :)

falling deeper in love with you
will you be there to catch me boy
are you falling deep with me too
can I keep you in my world

Whenever you're sad
whenever you're crying
I'll be the one who wipes away your tears
whenever you call
whenever you need me
I'll be the one who runs to you
giving my love
well you know how much I love you
so you better not let me down
I'm not asking for too much baby
just stick around

excerpt from:
Stick Around- Azure

now back to public health. :D

medschool makes me miss...

...doing NOTHING in starbucks besides drinking coffee :p
...staring at the TV for hours :P
...reading NON MED-RELATED books.
...not worrying about grades. :l
...writing random blogs about anything and everything.
...jereen's wedding.
...karlo. even though i see him almost everyday wahaha. ok i miss chilling with karlo. ayoko na ng study date wahaha.
...cyndee. and our girly dates :P
...my family. because i do not talk to them as much.
...weekends of doing nothing.
...the beach. can't wait for sembreak.

thank God for my year off i still have enough energy 'til sembreak i hope :P oh God please, no removals haha :P

i do not blog as much because of this:
http://twitter.com/paruparohan

i hate flashbacks.

i'm up 'til past 12 in the morning and i'm sick. and it's NOT because i can't finish my paper.

unwritten.

three weeks of "med" school have gone by... and i say "med" because i haven't learned anything really medical so far after principles and perspectives, leadership and a few days of the cell haha :P right now i'm supposed to be writing a reflection paper on "what makes me a leader?" and i'm sick, sleepy and i seriously have no idea what i should put there. and here i am blogging just so i feel like im writing something hahahaha. so i'm sitting in front of bennie, drinking crappy coffee, wearing my new york sweatshirt doing absolutely nothing worthwhile. hahaha :P

anyway, i'm asking karlo (*sigh hahaha) to bother me just so i stay up haha. and i'm playing fast happy and sometimes mushy songs. gahd i'm bored. haha. seriously now... imma start... what makes me a leader.... zzzzzzzZZzZZzz.

never say never.

i'm lucky i'm in love with my best friend :)

Built to Last - Melee

(BUILT TO LAST.... *crossing fingers!!!)

I've looked for love in stranger places,
but never found someone like you.
Someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back,
and now there's nothing I can't do.

'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should
but most of all it's built to last.

All of our friends saw from the start
So why didn't we believe it too?
Whoa yeah, now look where we are.
You're in my heart now
And there's no escaping it for you.

'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it's built to last.

Walking on the hills that night with those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right

'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it's built to last.

'Cause you are the sun in my universe,
considered the best when we've felt the worst
and most of all it's built to last.

first move

took a chance
coz this could be different
this could be all i'm waiting for :)

XD

rainy days make me think.

... Pinili kong maging masaya dahil mas madaling ngumiti kaysa ipaliwanag kung bakit ako malungkot... -- saw that quote on a sticker of someone's laptop at the McDonald's near tiende.. haha :) and it's sooo right. probably not something i can relate to at this exact moment.. but it's something i've done one too many times... and it still makes sense to me and i'll probably keep doing it.. tsk tsk.. haha :P


... anyway, i'm starting to feel... and right now that's not so good. med first and then the feelings can come later. haha. there are days that being big bang theory's sheldon would be easier... no emotions, no heart haha. just do what u have to do. but no one's like that. and yeah feelings are good. but just not right now haha.

... on another note, i can't wait for school to start :) it's gonna be good, i can feel it :D

restaurant city

i know i'm not a super creative person and i can't design things or make things pretty.. but to receive a one-star rating on your fake resto on facebook... awww sad. haha. after i probably was too nice in my ratings of restaurants since my "level of pretty" isn't that high.. hellooo it's a friggin net game haha. and then i get a one star rating... oh it's so ON. i am so gonna revamp my resto when i get the money... hahaha :)) crap. restaurant city isn't as relaxing as i thought :P

random tidbit

Three out of five people cannot correctly pronounce the name of the condiment Worcestershire Sauce.

HAHAHA. i am not alone :D

"studying"

i studied my ass off for my last long exam before the finals... and it paid off with an A.. (oh and i prayed a whole deal too i think haha). with my background in chem, that A made me overly happy.. earned me bragging rights over a new magna friend :)) seriously though, even if that wouldn't matter much for other ppol it mattered to me haha. having chem as the cause of most of my depressing college days & food binges haha. and an A. wow. and a pre-final standing that doesn't imply that my finals are make or break :)) i can sleep through it and still get a decent grade haha. seriously though, i will still study tomorrow, i mean later haha. it has been a compulsion now :)) hence my lack of blogs :P BUT i needed that upper, reminded me that God's always got my back even in a subject that i hated from the bottom of my heart :D see..hate is in past tense now. med life's gonna be more than bearable with a really big God :)

first night alone.

i missed my first ever family outing because of class on labor day and a biochem exam on the following day (saturday wow.)... now my social retardation begins... :P

creating my first sleepless night

right now i'm supposed to be writing a one page paper for my Public Health class tomorrow or at least studying for my Biochem quiz... but my brain has been dead since my year off and i have no idea where i'm at right now... there is a general feeling of excitement, but the reality is i'm still adjusting a bit to my 7.30 am to 6pm schedule.. i really hope the silence of the early morning wouldn't lull me to sleep but instead throw ideas on my paper or give me energy for the quiz.. coz if it were up to me i would've been asleep hours ago with zero work done on my paper and stock knowledge for my quiz hahaha. anyway BACK TO REALITY... i don't plan to be late tomorrow :P

I Caught Myself (Paramore)

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
But I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I never know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I should have never thought

if love were food it would be cibo's penne al telefono

having been single for 5 years and counting was and is not really an easy feat. but i'm cool with it. i do get the feeling of missing being in a relationship but i don't really have to have it. just like my favorite pasta ever... i can't have it everyday... but it's perfect, healthy and oh so good. can i survive years without it..yeah i could... do i want it right now? yeah actually. haha. but do i have to have it? no. see, just like love, falling in love and the like... hahahaha.

THIS is what happens when everything sets in. i just confirmed my slot in ASMPH, i'm taking Biochem this summer. and i'm donating 5 more years of my life to medicine.. hahaha :) although i honestly can't wait, i still have omg moments where i'm like, "crap, med school stress here i come" and for the past few days since my acceptance i have been doing absolutely nothing to make up for the days where sleep will be optional haha.

so no, this is not a deep entry about love. this is me, facing the music. i'm going back to the reality i've run from this past year and i'm just saying i'm ready. and i'll probably be single for 5 more years hahaha.

super shopping in bangkok and evolving fashion sense

i used to have boy clothes, thank God that fashion faux pas is over :P my recent trip to Bangkok was filled with shopping for dress tops, which i am very satisfied with. although i won't be shopping for anything since i'm feeling all shopped out and broke. haha. but i loved Bangkok, besides the shopping which i would love anywhere really, the food was good and the people were nice :) although the language barrier was challenging, i have to admit that communicating by calculator was sort of fun :D anyway, since this summer's soooo hot, i have to hide my boots now which is why i'm also happy that i bought a couple of flats/ maryjanes that were so cheap i forgot to bargain!!! now i have to revamp my clothes' arrangement in my cabinet and transfer my summer/ breezy tops on top of the pile... and i soooo have to exercise (something i've been saying since last summer)! guess that's it.. still no med school news, besides me getting accepted into feu-nrmf, yay! not really my dream school but i'm happy nonetheless.. i'm crossing fingers no for ue and asmph.. i can't wait!!!

before "love month" ends

a list of love quotes that are newly close to my heart, for no reason at all (and probably for future reference, e.g. the day i do fall in love haha) :

We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them.
We say we love trees, yet we cut them down.
And some people still wonder why some are afraid
when they are told they are loved....Unknown.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities
or pride; so I love you because I knew no other
way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so
close that your eyes close as I fall asleep....Pablo Neruda.

I love you, not for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you....Roy Croft.

Love creates an "us" without
destroying a "me"....Unknown.

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction
that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather,
loved in spite of ourselves....Victor Hugo.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength
while loving someone deeply gives you courage....Lao-Tsu.

Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life,
love gives us a fairy tale....Unknown.

To love and win is the best thing.
To love and lose, the next best....William M. Thackeray.

To love someone means to see him as
God intended him....Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

There is a time for risky love. There is a time for
extravagant gestures. There is a time to pour out
your affections on one you love. And when the time
comes -- seize it, don't miss it....Max Lucado.

The joy of late love is like green firewood when set aflame,
for the longer the wait in lighting, the greater heat it
yields and the longer its force lasts....Chrétien De Troyes.

it's prom season, and my brothers just had theirs :) ezra was even prom prince hehe :p anyway, i loved to hear that they enjoyed their prom cause i really want to forget mine. when they asked me about my memories, i couldn't think of a good one. maybe because my prom wasn't what i wanted it to be, and my date wasn't who i wanted him to be. more than 5 years have passed since prom.. and i've been single for almost 5 years now. and honestly after a few useless guys, i've never really known the meaning of any of the love quotes listed above and someday maybe i will. but before that day happens, i'm ok with imagining how falling in love's supposed to be, because i know that the person who'll matter will probably be far greater than what i expect :) and i seriously believe that.

is starting to pick up the broken pieces

i finally got the letter from Duke-NUS saying that i wasn't accepted blah blah, i actually knew that already but weirdly enough i felt sort of relieved.. i know that in my past blogs i was like woohoo Singapore, but seriously though it will be hard to leave home. BUT i was open to that adventure. NOW there are other adventures to pursue i guess.. and doing really bad in my MCAT gave me a certain amount of humility and i needed that. :) and though i am scared shitless now of what my NMAT results will be (lol) i'm just gonna go with the flow and go to the med school that accepts me :) i have three good choices (ASMPH, UERM and FEU-NRMF). and i know wherever i go, i'll be contented due to the fact that hellooo it's med school and imma be a doctor.. woohoo right? anyway, by 8am tomorrow (today actually omg it's 12 midnight haha) i'll be having my first med school interview with UE... and i am excited, a little nervous with a little of i really can't wait haha :) and after i'll be passing my application to FEU, the last of the applications and there it's done. i will now leave everything to God' s hands and stop being a control freak with the color coded planner :P

moving forward

i finally passed my applications for ASMPH and UERMMMC... still don't have my NMAT results though, but the fact that my applications are moving, wow, a whole new era's about to begin for me. :P my "transition year" is almost over and it also is a new year... wow, 2009. :)

i thank God that i was able to start it with Him (i need not elaborate, just a big thank you to my parents, tita juliet and project genesis) and i'm saying goodbye to all old habits and starting anew.. (except of course sleeping late and having midnight snacks once in a while :p)... this is it. getting back on the horse, rejoining the game and all the other metaphors about ending my bum year... i've got two months left.. results to wait for and acceptance letters to receive (oohh crossing fingers for ASMPH!!!)... it's the start of something new (lol HSM days..) AND I FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. this is it God... and this time i'm leaving it to you.. :)

so i will be ending this post with my current favorite song:

Prone to Wander
Chris Rice

On the surface not a ripple
Undercurrent wages war
Quiet in the sanctuary
Sin is crouching at my door

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring be back to life

I wake to find my soul in fragments
Given to a thousand loves
But only One will have no rival
Hangs to heal me, spills His blood

Curse-reversing Day of Jesus
When You finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be
The sweetest rest I've ever known

I googled my name again :p

YES, this is my first post of '09.. nothing's changed.. yet :P

My life according to Google:

Type in the following and choose the statement (that makes sense) that appears on the list.


1) Type in "[your name] needs" in Google search:

"Hannah needs a boyfriend"
Hahaha. NOT. :P

2) Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:

"Hannah looks like a train wreck." hahaha. i don't.. maybe now exactly i do. i need a haircut haha.

3) Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:

"Hannah loves you."

4) Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:

"Hannah says hi."

6) Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:

"Hannah does fashion week at the insider." oh, how cool haha.

7) Type in "[your name] hates" Google search:

"Hannah hates having her picture taken." i actually do sometimes.

8) Type in "[your name] goes"

"Hannah goes to the doctor."

9) Type in"[your name] is" in Google search:

"Hannah is a famous pop music star. "obviously about hannah montana haha.