a different christmas

Christmas is everyone's party season, it's true since the reason we celebrate it is cause for much rejoicing. :D and i love Christmas, who doesn't? Our family (on my dad's side), well we're a fun bunch. We're quite good at celebrating Christmas, our noche buena lasts 'til dawn and our laughter, never ending! Christmas is our party season where we all get to see each other again and rejoice together for Christ is born.

But this year, our noche buena was far from our traditional party. On the 24th, we had a little get together in the St. Lukes because our dear lola was confined there. We brought food and we did a little something that made Christmas meaningful for all of us, each family (went in the room by batch) and greeted lola a merry Christmas and thanked her for everything that she had done. She couldn't respond, she was already in a coma by then but we knew she could hear us. A little before 12 most of us went home and had our mini traditional thing. When we were relaxed enough to party a bit, drink a bit and sing a bit, our tita called from the hospital informing us that lola passed away. That was 2:30 in the morning of Christmas day. A lot of us rushed to the hospital, and well by 5 in the morning of the 25th some of us were in Loyola Memorial Chapel. We picked the clothes, picked the casket and picked the chapel. After a very long sleepless christmas eve, by 11:30am everything was fixed.

If you think about it, it's a morbid heart-breaking experience. But it was probably one of the best Christmas celebrations of lola. She is no longer stuck on any hospital equipment, she can now rest in eternal peace and quiet, she went on to a better place, to a greater place. She went to reunion with God and with loved ones like lolo and tito art who have gone ahead. And here on earth, she has received much love and heard everything she needed to hear from all of us.

I just arrived a few minutes ago from Loyola, where lola's wake is being held. And Christmas day has just ended. But my beloved lola's life will always be with us, it is a memory we all will deeply treasure. She is the glue that binds our whole family tight. I thank her for exemplifying unconditional love for all of us, we were all favorites and she will always be our number one. And every Christmas, we know that we'll still have to celebrate together, 'cause that's what she wanted. Christmas is indeed a reunion, a time of rejoicing and thanking God not only for Jesus being born but for giving us people we will always be grateful for.

Beyond tears right now i still am happy, 'cause I was blessed enough to be close to a great person. Thank you lola. I love you very much. Merry Christmas.

excerpts

this feels nice, blogging again after a few days.. :) so what have i been up to? studying and rehearsals.. actually, studying, cutting class and rehearsals.. lol. after my 'emptiness' post, things haven't really changed. i have no idea why.. i feel kinda pissy about it 'cause i need my FOCUS back... i can't do anything right, even something i love like being a stage manager. :( i hope a new year will change things for me.. it usually does. it doesn't even feel like christmas.. especially with my lola deteriorating.. it feels so bad.. i can't even explain the feeling.. i hate being faced with the reality of mortality.. it just sucks (for lack of a better word) so right now, i have to be studying for microbio and i haven't even memorized any staining procedure. well it's kinda easy since i did most of 'em all on my own. hehe, love having a small lab class! but beyond all this, i need a break. i need a MEANINGFUL Christmas. and i pray i'll get one.

=)

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as strong willed and stubborn. Overall, your true self is reserved and logical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

s.o.s

i've been doing a lot of NOTHING lately. yes my schedule is slowly filling itself up, especially now that i've committed myself as a stage manager for high school musical. BUT i still feel annoyingly EMPTY. not empty in a sense that i need God. it's a really weird emptiness that i get when there's nothing to do. but nowadays, it happens ever so often even when i'm soo busy at that moment. and there are so many things to do and i get it done BUT i go over it like a zombie or a robot specifically trained for menial tasks when i'm actually doing big or fun things. what's wrong with me? right now i need to finish my post lab and i haven't even started. i don't want this feeling, i need ME back. the multi-tasker extraordinaire. i'm LOST... in thought or in feelings.. i don't know... i'm drowning in unknown waters... and every time i write something a lesson or epiphany comes out and now there's nothing.. right now i need a lesson handed to me or any good word of advice. i'm finally admitting that yeah i feel alone and i need help.

the musings of a cooped up biatch

well so far what's new? NOTHING.
there's actually nothing to say but i feel compelled to write/rant/rave.. i don't know.. what crazy thing have i done lately? nothing really.. i was gonna audition for highschool musical but the butterflies in my stomach caused me to fly away.. wahaha! i guess i'm still too chicken for that.. SOON. i'll keep that promise this time around (i hope)
i need more confidence training!! or dance lessons.. my waterloo waah! haha..

so what else? i'm still in school.. my life is annoyingly mundane.. good thing i agreed to being a stage manager for the same production i chickened out on auditioning for.. nyahahaha! without that i'll be roaming these boring walls of school and nerd out the rest of my life.. i need songs near me! haha.. pero sure na ba yun? will let you know...

seriously now, i'm stuck in a place where i know i belong in but it's starting to lose its sense of home. maybe things have turned out as different as possible and i guess i'm starting to recheck every little tidbit of my life. it could be as simple as starting to exercise and get fit again to BIG decisions like taking up med or leaving after college. when i look back, i've bitched about so many parts of my life without doing anything about it. i just hope that starting RIGHT NOW i'll be able to convince myself to change and work on everything that i just used to complain about. resolutions aren't just for new years.. i want to start mine now!

The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.

Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine

a thought

some things don't allow themselves to be committed to mere memory..
they ask for a permanent place in your heart
and you just can't say no.

the real deal for me

i don't understand why the world tells us to be hitched the moment our hormones decide that we are attracted to a person of the opposite sex. in line with that, during family reunions the usual question would be, "may boyfriend ka na ba?".. and when you say no they never believe you.. so why ask in the first place?! why do people think that being single (even for 19 year olds like me or younger) is a lesser choice? well "titos and titas" (mostly titas) it's NOT. it's also an important choice, just like choosing to love. it's sad 'cause single people always end up thinking that something is wrong with them whether they're too fat, too intimidating or too smart. well in this age, people, there is nothing wrong!!

when i chose to fix my priorities, basically studies first, i had to decide against other commitments that will demand too much time and effort from me. partly it was because i had a bad relationship beforehand, but now it's just a choice, a much better one. if i decided that i can't handle both studies and a serious relationship at this exact moment, it's not because i'm hung up on someone or i hate boys or i couldn't risk getting hurt.. i get hurt a lot, and i survive even if i get up slowly.. for me it's always a big thing.. if i let you in, i trust you to accept every little tidbit of me.. and not too many can do that.. but hey, i'll accept every little tidbit about you..

dig this, i'm actually already thinking of the guy i'll be with and how i won't be able to be with him right now 'cause i'll be deciding to prioritize thesis time over time with him.. and that's just sad and really hard. but that's just for now. i didn't do it cause i wanted to be alone and fat.. haha.. some guy friends judge me by saying i'm too picky and that there are actually good guys "like them".. yeah there are good guys.. but dear guy friends, don't think so highly of yourself when you actually pull chairs AWAY from a tipsy girl just so y'all can laugh when she falls.. see? and i hear complaints from y'all 'bout tiny little tidbits in your relationship when actually true love and true commitment can surpass that.. we're still young, we're more childlike than mature. and i guess i accepted that fact and enjoyed it. i won't be a kid for too long and there's plenty of time to wait. and some guys there are worth the wait. so i don't need to say yes to every guy i like or smiles my way.. when i say yes, (for real yes to someone) it would be him. that person whom i'm gonna risk it with and spend the rest of my hectic and sometimes boring life with. time isn't worth wasting with someone who isn't THAT person.

so the next time people ask, maybe instead of saying NO and get teased or worse judged, i'll say i'm just waiting for the right person to come along. and aren't we all?

it's been ages...

...since my last post.. :D well not really, just based on my standards.. hehehe.. i miss blogging and all that.. soo what's new??? i just celebrated my 19th.. check out the pics in my multiply site.. it was a kiddie thing.. really hard to pull off.. and i wasn't that satisfied.. hehe.. kulang sa games..

a lot of things have been going steady.. like my grades and well basically my life.. so there's really nothing much to say there...

the only biggie that's been bothering our family lately is my lola's cancer.. we're an uber close lot and it's just really painful to lose someone.. especially our lola who has always been caring and really generous.. haaay... we just hope and pray na she doesn't suffer much and that she enjoys every last day of her life...

well that's it... pray for lola... and for her sons and daughters.. and us kids na rin..

quick shout out

hey everyone..my phone got stolen last monday but i got my line (so same number) reactivated today but all my numbers are gone and i failed to keep a record of some.. so please send me a "hello" text with your name so i can store your numbers again :) thanks a bunch!

(p.s. if ur not sure what my number is, im me na lang w/ ur name & no. tnx :D)

lost phone :(

i lost my phone this morning... without even knowing how it happened.. last time i saw it was when i signed up for philo orals.. when cyndz and i went back to sec B, iea says she saw it.. but when we transferred to matteo, NO MORE phone.. cyndz and i went back to sec B to look around.. around 10, karlo and i did.. around 3 karlo and i asked around and nobody saw it.. so i guess that's goodbye phone.. shoot... and i thought ppol in admu didn't care much for my phone, it was an old model... grrr...

so that's it.. i'll get my sim back through sun in 10-15 days.. text me then...

short one...

i'm trying to finish my rrl for genetics and i just can't place my focus on it... i'm dead tired from all that BORING history paper stuff... and i can't wait for sembreak.. just two weeks left and i'm on the verge of a breakdown!! haha.. or probably a STRESS OVERLOAD.. it's hard to juggle matters of the HEART with matters of the MIND! 2 very difficult things to handle.. in the midst of all the sh*t that i bury myself in i can still confidently say thay i'm doing AYT... but i MISS so many things.. like the ice cream loving days of childhood or puppy love or my bestfriend whose going through deep crap like i am.. i just wish that we could get ONE day or ONE LAST CHANCE to REWIND and right all wrongs we've accomplished 'cause of our immaturity, craziness or probably because of our FEAR...

maybe on that rewind.. the BLUE EAGLES win the championship.. hahaha.. i'm just saying..

(pic from www.fabilioh.com-- Philip Sison)

W T F ?!

...random sh*t...

i can't take it!!! last two weeks of heLL.. HELP!

it's been crazy.. and i can't help but think of how you made this go STILL even for just a little while.. call me mean or selfish or BAD.. boy i don't care.. realize you made a MISTAKE.. stop wasting your time.. COME BACK! ;)

macky.. :p

can't wait for this sem to END.. gimme a break!!!

game3 aftermath

grabeeeeh!!! i gotta say ah, duncil bakit ang galing mo??? somehow (even though my mind is bombarded with the "luto" ideas) UST did deserve their win with how they played.. (ateneans please don't kill me..) BUT i still think na they should have won NEXT YEAR! and given this year to us.. BUT then again, as my dad pointed out, if ateneo won the championship la salle (our archrivals) would brand us as paper champions... grrr.. green... hate you.. wahahahaha! pero blue eagles.. i love 'em all.. win or lose it's the school i'll choose.. hell yeah 'til the end..

p.s. ref, magkano ka? hahahaha.. kidding..

so many things...

its been really long since my last post and i've been REALLY busy.. hell weeks have passed and there are more to come.. that storm MILENYO, scrapped a lot of time from me.. especially since my crazeeeh life is dependent on technology.. light was gone so i couldn't read.. power was out so that meant no computers.. phones were dead so no internet.. cell sites went haywire so no way of reaching anyone.. and i have no idea where this week is gonna take me.. to unreachable heights of sTreSs probabLy.. :( everything is just gonna pile up this week i can FeEL it! scary.. and to top that week off, ateNeo lost big time on a finaLs game.. dAmN!!! i didn't feel like buying tix for tomorrow's game.. and besides, i have geNetics Lab, so i probably wouldn't be able to watch it, kahet sa TV.. it's aryt, my nerves need a rest.. wahahahaha!!! well anyway, that's the end of my rants and raves.. i just hope ateneo wins! (go ateneo, ONE BIG FIGHT!) i sooo love the blue eagles!! and i hope me and my blockies.. get through this week.. see ya soon BeAch hOuse!!

i've come to your rescue and you can't rescue me

if things hadn't turned out the way they are now, i wonder where i'd be standing right now... and tomorrow, would i still be by your side?

perfectly describes me =)

excerpt

i've always believed that the option of giving up is only for the weak ones and i always thought of myself as a strong person... but so many things have happened that led me to doubt the "give-up=weak" belief.. what if giving up is actually a sign of strength, 'cause you know when to stop and when you're already in the wrong place...

BUT, giving up is still and always will be my last option.. although now, i'm not sure if that's my strength or if it's my weakness.. someday, maybe i'll find out..

totally agree

the opposite of love is not hate..
it's fear..

(just somethin' i picked up from one of my favorite people...cyndee..)

thanks gel for this..

ultimately, all real communication is about truth. and ultimately, the only real truth is love. that is why, when love is present, so is communication. and when communication is difficult, it is a sign that love is not fully present.

after death..

What Will Happen After Your Death? Choose Your Own Adventure from Quiz Galaxy! ... "The door opens, revealing your mother giving birth to you. In an instant, you are reborn as yourself."

'What Will Happen After Your Death?' Choose Your Own Adventure at QuizGalaxy.com

black and blue

break from the "genetics" mess..

1. FAVORITE BREAKFAST IS
- bacon, eggs and pancakes

2. THE MOVIE I'VE WATCHED MOST NUMBER OF TIMES IS...
- Jurassic Park (thanks to my brother.. haaay)

3. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL...
- physics

4. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR IN THE WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- a black gsr (simple lang ako e)

5. FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
- um, if i had to choose it would be cleaning my room

6. WHEN I WAS A KID I DREAMED OF BECOMING..
- a doctor, hey i'm on the right track.. haha

7. FAVORITE COLORS?
- purple, black and blue

8.FAVORITE PERFORMERS?
- hmmm, there's just too many.. haha

9. WHEN I DIE, I'D RATHER BE CREMATED OR BURIED?
- cremated

10. IF I COULD REPEAT COLLEGE, I'D TAKE
- ab Literature- english

11. THREE THINGS I CAN'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT?
- cellphone, wallet, ID

12. FIRST THING I WOULD BUY WITH MY FIRST SALARY?
- stilletos for party night outs

14. IF A BOOK WAS MADE INTO A MOVIE,WOULD YOU STILL BOTHER TO READ THE BOOK?
- yep.. i'm a bookworm

15. SPECIALTY IN COOKING?
- taco salad

16. PRESENT CRUSH?
- si BamBoo!! ohmygaaaad! hahahaha..

17. FAVORITE HANG-OUT?
- g4.. haha..

18. BEST PLACE TO SHOP?
- 168, tutuban, greenhills for great bargains.. yrys. mango and zara if we're talking bout brands :p, and tiangge sa metrolane or dampa sa libis for any dvd you like.. hahaha!

19. FAVORITE PLACE IN YOUR HOUSE?
- the couch beside the tv and laptop! hahaha

20. WHAT TIME IS IT?
- 7:01 pm

21. WHAT KEY IN YOUR KEYBOARD DO YOU USUALLY PRESS?
- enter?

21. YAHOO OR HOTMAIL?
- yahoo

22. LEFT OR RIGHT?
- right

23. BLACK OR WHITE?
- black

24. BLACK OR BLUE PEN?
- black pen

25. SANDALS OR SHOES?
- shoes

26. COLGATE OR HAPPEE?
- colgate

27. FLOSS OR TOOTHPICK
- toothpick

28. CHOPSTICKS OR SPOON AND FORK?
- spoon and fork

29. JOLLIBEE OR MCDO?
- mcdo

30. COKE OR PEPSI?
- coke

31. SAN MIG LIGHT, LONE STAR LIGHT OR REDHORSE?
- san mig light

32. HOPE OR CAMEL
- wala..ano ba toh?!

33. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
- elij.. my brother

34. LAST PERSON WHO TEXTED YOU?
- cyndee..

35. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH/SMILE?
- my dad..kwela e..

36. LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
- no comment.. langyah!

37. THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
- shoot can't remember, di ako iyakin e...

38. WHY DID YOU CRY?
- di ko na nga lam kelan e, how would i know the reason.. haha

DIFFERENT

I'm taking a chance, this could be different.
This could be all I'm waiting for.

euphoria

BAMBOO i love you!!!!! hahahahahahaha!!!

i loooove this day and i loooove soccer! so here it goes, we were tired from soccer and this super galing team were playing on the field.. so we sat on the field and watched them play.. and a few mins. later two guys sat a few paces away from us.. and karlo, camille and i stole a glance then guess who it was? Bamboo!!! oh my gaaaad!!! and if that wasn't enough he approached us and borrowed our soccer ball.. woah!! he actually talked to us.. so sorry for being starstruck and spare me, i just do this once in a blue moon.. and it was BamBoo!!! waaaahhh!!! sayang we didn't get any souveneirs and stuff... haha.. pero, not my thing rin kase e... memories are enough!! nyahahaha! bamboo grabeee!

hahahaha..aryt.. that's it :P the reason why my friday was complete..

back to the old habits :p

um..nainggit ako kay gel e.. and well, i kinda missed these stuff.. so i checked out new quizzes :p and here's my top 10!!! hahaha..

Your Extroversion Profile:

Friendliness: Very High

Activity Level: High

Assertiveness: High

Excitement Seeking: High

Sociability: High

Cheerfulness: Medium

How Extroverted Are You?

You Were a Lynx

You are a great knower and keeper of secrets. A bit psychic, you can bring out hidden truths.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around. You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy. You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you. How you life your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

How Scary Are You?

Your Brain is 73% Female, 27% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Caramel Frappuccino

Creative and expressive, you tend to match your Frappuccino flavor to your mood. And a flavored syrup is always a must!

What Flavor Frappuccino Are You?

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

i don't believe the part on monogamy though.. haha.. i can see myself with just one person for the rest of my life.. ahem ahem!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is low. You see love as a gift that you should give to many. It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time... Let alone one person for the rest of your life! Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

some things...

reality is superabundant.. a concept that should keep running through your head during philo101.. and those philosophers sure got that right.

and in my life there are so may things that are left unexplained.
>why it rains when i wear my slippery abaca slippers
> or why i'm extremely clumsy (like slipping in front of so many ppol in the smoket)
> and how i can't stop eating :p nyahahaha..
> how do i keep all the energy through the insomnia? (coffee??)

those everyday mundane things that may bother you today then just leave you with a "whatever. life's like that" answer...

but in my so called life.. hahaha.. there are some things i want to keep certain
> how much i love God
> my family sticking together
> 'friends forever' seriously...
> and this love that's tingling every little bone in my body.. hahaha

obviously there are so many uncertain little things, but i'll keep on going strong as long as i'm sure that the big things in my life remain certain.. no matter how many/ superabundant my little reality is, one mantra should remain: i'd live to love...

and that's just about it :)

for you i will

allow me one last moment
to be unforgettable
as i touch your lips
and kiss you goodbye

can i wander in your eyes
take a glimpse into your mind
feel your soul
and stay in your heart

then you can tell me if it's truly over
or ask me to start again

because if i get all the guts to tell you
and forget all my inhibitions
allow me one last chance
one last chance to forget
that it's you i want all over again

from teddy geiger....

For You I Will (Confidence)


Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, i've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

life update

..i'm bored.. so here's who i am and where i am now..

• i'm still a writing fanatic! ain't it obvious?
• now i know i want to be a doctor.. for sure
• i'm still not over 'it', if yah know what i mean..
• i've been exercising...not!
• still on probation
• i plan to graduate from admu..haha
  
• haven't gotten drunk since that march incident (i still am ever thankful to all the ppol who helped me.. love yah!)
  
• i busy myself with dvd marathons, that's why i'm at home on fri and sat nights sometimes..
  
• my love life is still screwed, so don't you dare ask me about it!
• i'm still bent on leaving for San Fo in 2 years.. only lack of airfare would change my mind or any other drastic life changing thing..like a med scholarship
  
• still an insomniac.. it's freakin' 3am now
• i'm a Bio major, just so you know..duh..
• i'm turning 19 in paracale and you're invited.. haha.. although that's a long time from now
• i still am and will always be ever grateful to God.. i loooove Him so much!!! the best ever.. that part of my life will never change no matter how rocky and shitty i get..
• i'm still a kid
• and i have yet to find paradise.. =)
  

=(

You come and you go
But you stay very low
Is there a time in my mind when you'll leave me alone?

Cause they've said to me once I don't need you
And you told me yourself that it's gone
And if that's what it is i'll believe you
i'll just wait in the wings til you're wrong



i stole this from karlo's blog.. from:wait in the wings by five times august...

goodnight

goodnight
and please let the bed bugs bite
so i'd be up all night
thinking of what's wrong and right
knowing that i'd get no kiss goodnight
'cause you're out of mind and sight
although you're still in my heart tonight
and loving you has always been right

as i hug my pillow tight
dreaming of peaceful delight
i wish your love would hold you tight
and tell you how it will be all right
'cause if you don't let me love you tonight
i'll be alright with knowing that your love
will be kissing you good night

weekend

thanks L2 (cyndee dear, steven :p , iea!!, gela!!, harm :), paoLo, bJorn, and marts!!) for aLL the fun we had from gweilo's to pho hoa and then to absinth.. :p looove to parteeeh with yoU guYs... we'll do that aGain sometime..

berto..soorrrreeee...di ko na napanood..pero i heard u guys naman eh..(from outside) good as aLways!! naxx.. hehe :)

thaNks geLo for the discount in absiNth.. hehe.. paOLa?! PCD over me??? hahaha.. joke.. miss you pa rin!! acooooy!! baket?! haha.. magipon ka na..alis tayo next time.. shoti?! di ka manlang ngparamdam eh.. ano un?

and yeeessss ateneO bLue eaGLes (the bball team) i loooooove you aLL.. karlo!! manood na tayo uaap ano baaaaa! hahaha...

sooo....dampa sa libis na.. gotta go.. pig out moments.. and the diet will come soon.. nyahaha..

i looove long weekends... thank you st. ignatius *wink

on leaving

the airport is a place of welcoming, reconciliation, great big hugs and yet also a place for goodbyes...

probably one of the worst things i've gone through in life was to see my bestfriend enter the airport without knowing when or how we'll ever see each other again.. and the thing is i didn't cry.. my eyes didn't well up with tears BUT somewhere inside the hurt was so drastic that the tears were probably too weak an expression to just let it go..

and just a few days ago, monday to be exact.. me and my blockmates headed off to the centennial airport to see our beloved gel off to iowa... and i saw them experience the same shit i had to go through when my bestfriend left.. stifling tears, i hugged gel for the last time in 5 years.. yep, i didn't cry again.. i guess tears aren't my thing..
we were actually at the airport for two hours..laughing and doing crazy what nots.. but when that moment came.. the MOMENT where you know a lot of things are gonna be over, a lot of things are gonna change: the goodbye part.. that's when it hits you... crap! goodbye..

and yes we are gonna miss.. or feel the worst.. i remember crying real bad about jei when everything just sinked in.. things may never be the same.. and things can't always turn out the way you planned..

but LEAVING.. makes you realize what you're worth or who's worth it.. leaving brings epiphanies.. leaving brings a fresh beginning.. leaving teaches you to let go.. leaving is one of the best teachers of the century.. and though it hurts like hell when someone does leave, i wish them all the best in the world.. and many more moments to change their lives.. and for happy endings: COME BACK anew..

geL..i'm gonna miss you.. :(

the world can be a bitch

it's late at night and my brain just stopped! not even in midsentence.. it's supposed to be MY time now but i can't seem to work straight.. grrr.. i abhor party aftermaths where you're left daydreaming of how cute and fun the party went.. and then BAM back to reality.. shitty boring school life.. seriousLy! and MondAys sucK!! genetics lab leaves me into tiny bits and pieces of STRESS! annoying!!

but on the bright side.. see there always is.. geL and iea loooved their suprise party last FriDay.. L2 rocks i gotta admit.. we just enjoy throwing those surprises.. the stress was WORTH it! and i'm sure gonna miss geL.. sayang... when all of us where getting close and bonding... haAay.. but i gotta stick to my 'everything happens for a reason' thing.. love yah dear geL... mag-ingat ang iowa sayooo.. hehe :p

so right now? i'm figuring out how to finish this theo reaction paper.. which i can't even start.. fundamental option?! waaah.. well in a while i'll make it.. 3-6 maybe!! hahaha :))

a little secret

it's far easier to give in
than to say no
and just get up and walk away..

it's not a life lesson.. it's the hard irreversible truth..
but when you do get up and walk away
it feels a whole lot better..

so how do i know?
i don't..
i just believe it to be true..
until that someday that i really learn to just keep walking away..

and when i do, i'll tell you all about it..

:)

have you ever had one of these moments...where you just can't stop missing someone, out of nowhere.. and then that someone suddenly passes by your life again? allowing you to get a glimpse.. a little feel of something you missed.. and then when you catch that glimpse and hold it in your heart, the moment dies... and there you are, left with an unwanted glimpse and a burned out heart...

and from there, i'm expected to say, i hate those moments...

well i don't... i love the feeling of missing something and having it just for a little while again.. maybe it's God's way of reminding me that there are things that were worth missing before.. and now i gotta love the fact that things are different.. but we're still allowed to relive those "somethings" or "someones" as crazy and as "in love" as we did before.. just so we know, that even in the darkest of our days, there were times that we laughed, we missed, and we loved..

sweet reminder

don't cry because it's over... smile because it happened..

letters to me

i couldn't sleep last night. it's been a long time since i last slept in my room and it took a while for me to get used to it again. while lying on my bed, i decided to get myself tired by reorganizing my long untouched drawers... little did i know that i'd get all sentimental in a few minutes. you see, my last drawer was filled to the brim with letters. letters coming from different people during different times of my life. i even had one from 4th grade where i transferred school unexpectedly. some letters where from people i no longer had contact with, some with people who've grown to become an "x-friend" while some are still close friends of mine. old letters showed signs of immaturity, of foolishness, of really stupid mistakes.. others showed me and my kada growing up and learning lots of things the hard way. some letters i'd rather not look back to, the ones i loved rereading were letters of reconciliation between me and my bestfriend.

and underneath a lot of letters, i saw a few letters from me. hahahaha.. yeah, i guess i wrote to myself. and words were so different then. and life looks so different now. a lot of things have ended on new perspectives.

when i wrote those letters, i would never have expected to be where i am now. i guess when all of us wrote letters to each other then, we all had a different take on how our paths would end up. sometimes we believed that things would stay the same. right at those moments when we wrote the letters, together was all we knew. now i miss a lot of people, some i don't regret not seeing anymore, others i wish i never wrote letters to. harsh but true.

but once in a while, i'd look back on those letters and remind myself of the silly and really different moments that my life passed through. and in a way, makes me thankful that i'm here now.

one of 'em surveys

got this from my e-mail.. hehe... just killing time..

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT:
with my family

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Blue Like Jazz and Queen of the Damned. quite ironic..haha
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
nothn'

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
guesstures

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINES/SUBSCRIPTIONS?
candy and seventeen
6. FAVORITE SMELL?
moonflower by body shop
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
ung parang pang lola..hehe..na kahet mga lola ayaw nila un
8. FAVORITE SOUND?
r&b, acoustic, alternative
9. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD
loss of loved ones
10.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?
what to wear..
11.FAVORITE COLOR?
purple

12.HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
depends on how far i am..hahaha
13.FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
haven't really thought about that yet..
14. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE?
God and people i love

15. FAVORITE FOOD?
yellow cab four cheese pizza... and any of my mom's cooking
16. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
chocolate

17. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
uhh...can't relate..di pa ako marunong magdrive..
18. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
nope...
19. FAVORITE WATER SPORT:
takot ako sa tubig..can't swim eh
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST TURN ON?
nice eyes..hehe
21. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE:
mother teresa..seriously
22. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
rum coke, tequila
23. YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
scorpio
24. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
yep..

25. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
i seriously wanna be a doctor..
26. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR WHAT WOULD IT BE?
purple..hahaha

27. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
well...yeah

28. FAVORITE CITY YOU HAVE BEEN IN?
quezon city shempre...
29. FAVORITE MOVIE/S:
dami eh...
30. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
nope...
31. BIGGEST TURN OFF?
plastic!!!

32. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER/S?
8
33. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
soccer.. and basketball if Ateneo's playing
34. IF YOU WERE TO BE REINCARNATED INTO SOMETHING ELSE WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
a dog..haha
35. PERSON WHO INFLUENCED YOU THE MOST:
my parents.. :)
36. IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE
candlelight dinner in Paris..woohoo
37.wHAT TIME IS IT?
8pm

38. EYE COLOR:
brown
39. HAIR COLOR:
black

40. PIERCINGS:
none

41. TATTOOS:
wala rin...
42. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB?
notyet working eh..
43. HOMETOWN:
quezon city
45. CURRENT RESIDENCE:
proj.4, qc
46. BEEN TO AFRICA?
nope..i wanna
47. SEEING SOMEONE SPECIAL?
i wish..haha

48. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT?
yeah..really minor..
49. FAVORITE PIECE OF FURNITURE
bed
50. SPRITE OR 7 UP?
sprite
51. FAVORITE HOLIDAY:
christmas!!

52. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:
friday
53. FAVORITE WORD OR PHRASE:
walang pasok.. hahahha
54. FAVORITE RESTAURANT:
kahet ano..depends sa tatse
55. FAVORITE SESAME STREET CHARACTER:
elmo and grover.. pati si oscar the grouch
56. DISNEY OR WARNER BROS.?
doesnt matter..
57. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
mcdo wins by a landslide!!
58. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM CARPET?
pink and flesh..
59. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU GOT EMAIL FROM BEFORE THIS?
not sure
60. WHICH SINGLE STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARDS?
y.r.y.s.
61. NAME THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH THAT LIVES THE FARTHEST?
si jei..nasa rocklin' california..heller..haha
62. MOST ANNOYING THING PEOPLE ASK/TELL YOU
tumataba ka.. hahaha.. truth hurts eh

63. FAVORITE ALL TIME TV SHOW:
CSI

just stuff

i finished enrolling today.. and i don't like my sched!! i just hope things will be ok come school time.. what's really important is i pull my grades up like crazy.. i hope the subjects and teachers aren't too hellish.. haha! i've got really long breaks in between all my classes on t-th, so feel free to bother me then.. and my friday class ends at 12:30.. perfectly complementing my friend's dismissal in csb.. which is a good thing!! maybe i'll chill there every friday and feel like a "lasallista" or whatever..haha.. or i could rest for a looong time in the afternoon and party all night!! haha.. see that's me, just a few seconds and i already forget i'm on probation.. nyahahaha.. nah, seriously, i'm slowly fixing up.. :p

i know i'm supposed to be preparing to go out in a while.. but the thing is, i haven't asked permission..and my dad is out of town.. so i don't know how things are gonna turn out.. fact is, i'm not in the mood to go.. but i've got two things lined up tonight and, bahala na.. we'll see how things end..

ok..my ex called in a super friendly manner yesterday... wanting to hang out with old friends.. namely me and za i guess.. although he didn't confirm.. so there, we didn't get to hang out.. it was really weird, i felt like i was talking to a ghost.. haha.. it's just that i haven't heard from him since ... i can't even remember.. haha.. really weird..

i need to fix some bio night related stuff really soon.. i'm soo lazy lately that i suck at accomplishing things.. but hey, gimme a break! hehe.. so anyway, that's it.. i just felt like writing life details.. :p

kase bored ako..

Ten years ago, it was 1996. Take this survey and see how many
things have changed since then.

1) How old were you?
THEN: 8
NOW: 18

2) Where did you go to school?
THEN: Tabernacle of Faith Christian Academy
NOW: Ateneo de Manila University

3) Where did you work?
THEN: elo!! i was 8!!!
NOW: um, not working yet..

4) Where did you live?
THEN: Proj.4
NOW: Same place

5) How was your hairstyle?
THEN: straight, til shoulder.. with really ugly bangs..
NOW: short..i like it..mejo layered..hehe

6) Did you wear braces?
THEN: no
NOW: yes

7) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: No
NOW: No

8) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: nooo
NOW: nooo

9) Who was your best friend?
THEN: abi
NOW: jei

10) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: i can't remember..haha
NOW: Hairball, my japanese spitz.. Waffle, a golden retriever... Sylvester, a crocodile skink

11) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: hello!! i was 8!
NOW: none pa rin eh.. haha.. ask me 'bout 2 years ago..haha

12) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: i was 8!! hahaha.. didn't know
NOW: Brad Pitt, Chad Michael Murray, Johnny Depp

13) Who was your regular-person crush?
THEN: none probably
NOW: nyahaha! like i'd tell..

14) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: none
NOW: planning to get one..really soon..

15) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: none
NOW: none..but i want one!! haha

16) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: i can't remember.. grade 3 ako..so spice girls???
NOW: i'm into sooo many songs and not one band in particular

17) What was your favorite movie?
THEN: Hunchback of Notre Dame, Space Jam, Jack, Independence Day
NOW: LOTR, Chronicles of Narnia, Rent, Crash

18) What was your favorite song?
THEN: i can't remember.. shoot..haha.. um Macarena?! hahaha..
NOW: Hello - Sugarbomb, Blind - Lifehouse, First of Summer - Urbandub

19) What was your favorite TV Show?
THEN: Touched by an Angel, 7th heaven
NOW: Friends, Grey's Anatomy, CSI

20) Had you smoked cigarettes?
THEN: no!! i was 8!!
NOW: uh...

21) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: nope!! i was 8!!
NOW: hahaha.. bad memories..yeah

22) Had you DRIVEN?
THEN: nooo
NOW: nooo..sad..

23) If so which car?
THEN: N/A
NOW: N/A

24) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?
nooo.. i was bent on studying Comm back then..

25) What you looked like?
THEN: like a kid.. hahaha
NOW: fat..nyahahaha..

paradise

and with that on my mind, i have to admit, something pops into my head... and i have never even approached the idea.. not close enough to say i've experienced it.. *sigh.. how i wish i could turn back the pages of my book and rewrite a lot of parts, especially some of my old lines...

anyway, snap back to reality!!!

i've been doin' a lot of nothing lately.. the only something i do are my DVDthons..but i'm definitely enjoying Grey's Anatomy, a new series my dad bought me.. i'm looooovin' it soooo much.. i'm still in season1 and there are just 2 seasons anyway so i'd easily catch up.. the fact that i found a place to buy lotsa series perked me up for this 3 week break.. and come class time, all i gotta do is earn money through my allowance and catch up on all the series that i love!! hahaha...

what else? so i've been giving love advice.. once in a while to different people from different walks of life.. seriously.. and i need advice too!!! that's what sucks.. the hard part is i have to be unbiased and really careful with the things i say.. and it's hard 'cause i kinda suck in this Love thing nowadays.. well, my love life is sucky and then i get to help other lovers patch things up.. and mine's still, well..sucky.. hahahaha... sometimes, it's just hard to listen to your own advice..

and on paradise, i still am wishing for it... but slowly i'm getting to be happier nowadays.. my grades improved drastically.. and my vices..slowly dying.. so there, better me is gonna continue searching for paradise... in all aspects of life..

so cheers u guys.. and for love advice, heck, call me... i love to help... hahaha..

Hello - Sugarbomb

I feel so peculiar I don't know what to say
But don't let me fool you I'm not one bit afraid, no way

One thing's for sure
What I would give to simply open my door
and see your smiling face

Hello hello wont you come right in
I'd give anything just to see you again
Hello hello wont you come right in
Step into my world where you know your everything
Everything I need

I'm suddenly hopeful whenever you're in sight, that's right
I talk about you all day whisper your name at night, that's right

Whatever you need
What I would give if you should ask it of me
To make you feel complete

Chorus

I could go on and on and on
Do it again again again
Whisper your name your name your name
Would you do the same for me

I feel so peculiar I don't know what to say

Chorus

Everything
Where you know you're everything
Everything
I feel so peculiar
You know I feel so peculiar
You know I feel so strange

woah

And me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know its not some place you can look for, cause its not where you go. Its how you feel for a moment in your life when your a part of something, and if you find that moment... it lasts forever... (Richard-The Beach)

Sleeping Satellite - Tasmin Archer

I blame you for the moonlit sky
and the dream that died
with the eagles' flight
I blame you for the moonlit nights
when I wonder why
are the seas still dry?
don't blame this sleeping satellite

Did we fly to the moon too soon
did we squander the chance
in the rush of the race
the reason we chase is lost in romance
and still we try
to justify the waste
for a taste of man's greatest adventure

I blame you for the moonlit sky
and the dream that died
with the eagles' flight
blame you for the moonlit nights
when I wonder why
are the seas still dry?
don't blame this sleeping satellite

have we lost what it takes to advance?
have we peaked too soon?
if the world is so green
then why does it scream under a blue moon
we wonder why
If the earth's sacrificed
for the price of it's greatest treasure

I blame you for the moonlit sky
and the dream that died
with the eagles' flight
blame you for the moonlit nights
when I wonder why
are the seas still dry?
don't blame this sleeping satellite

and when we shoot for the stars
what a giant step
have we got what it takes
to carry the weight of this concept
or pass it by like a shot in the dark
miss the mark with a sense of adventure

I blame you for the moonlit sky
and the dream that died
with the eagles' flight
blame you for the moonlit nights
when I wonder why
are the seas still dry?
don't blame this sleeping satellite

so finally..

goodbye to summer class.. goodbye to school for at least 3 weeks.. i finally get the rest i really want.. and probably need.. :)

this past week has been the worst.. studying for oral exams.. only to get really low in ecology.. at least i did much better in Chinese.. i wonder how my grades turn out.. :p stressful part would be finishing the lab reports and the biotope booklet.. which took us more than 12 straight hours to make.. at least i was with groupmates i looooved.. haha! it was great working with you guys! and on the first of June, i was still with my dear groupmates, doing some finishing touches with the booklet.. going on a Friends season6 marathon.. and passing sources for a final paper.. with that done, friday was my sleeping day..

saturday turns out to be a different kind of r&r... hanging at the peninsula, manila with my family :) and meeting up with my beloved friends at night in makati.. a lil bit of drinking in outback G4, courtesy of my dear tito Gas.. and then transferring to Gery's grill for our signature bonding: drinks, jokes and so many stories! and i missed za, glad she was there..

so sunday, buffet breakfast!! i am seriously getting fatter by the minute.. i really need to think 'bout that exercise.. haha! spent most of the day in filinvest, sleeping my ass off again.. haha..

and that's about it... my life's been a bit of a blur lately.. haha.. but that's that.. gotta go and indulge in quiz taking and soundtrips again.. probably rethinking the exercise bit.. :)

more of 'em quizzes..

it's obviously a boring first day of "summer" break...

hmmm..a bit true.. especially the ideal Valentine's day date..hahaha..

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

i'm evil?? hahaha

You Are 30% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

i always thought i'd be coke.. but then again, i love the description..

You Are 7 Up

Understated and subtle, people warm up to you slowly. But once they're hooked, they can't imagine going back to anyone else! Your best soda match: Diet Coke Stay away from: Mountain Dew

What Kind of Soda Are You?

i don't think this is me at all:

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

hehe..i'm more boyish..

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

and i spent the rest of the night answering quizzes for girls only..haha.. http://ynr.blogthings.com/

so there..next time...it'll be a good post i bet.. i'm just too tired to think now.. school stressed me out too much..

memory

and then i said 'there was this guy, as how every girl's adventure starts'
damn that line..

"Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Pretend we had one."

that on the other hand is from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... As Clementine is being erased from Joel's mind, these lines are part of her last few words in Joely's brain during his first ever memory of her.. if that's unclear, watch the movie and you'll get my point..

and there are so many times where i wish a company like Lacuna Inc. comes up and tells me that i can have parts of my memory erased..

crazy part is, i loooove all the memories so much that while they're being erased, i'll be chasing after all of them too.. just like Joel... there and then you realize, it's impossible to live without the memories, they're part of the rainbow that keeps on coloring your life.. ghastly, painful, crazy or happy..

so i'll be keeping those memories.. besides the fact that i have no choice.. i guess you learn to love living with them.. and without those, maybe i'll never learn :)

there's no...

there's no tomorrow
where i don't see your face

there's no today
that i don't wish you were here

there's no tonight
where i don't dream of you

No Ordinary Morning - Chicane

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for the reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me
You've closed your eyes you don't longer see

There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralysed

You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no piece of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds you now there is no piece of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind

i just couldn't resist....

i know i'm supposed to be studying.. oh but i just adore taking "wala lang" quizzes... hahaha.. :) here, have a laugh..

You Are Smokin' Hot

You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal. Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally.

Are You Hot?

Your Love Element Is Earth

In love, you have consistency and integrity. For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered. You attract others with your zest for life and experiences. Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life. You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk. You connect best with: Fire Avoid: Wood You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation

What Element Is Your Love?

SORRY -Maria Mena

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrist
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

what again?

so i say to myself, shut up and listen...

and i've been saying that too many times nowadays and i forget what i have to hear..i'm back to losing my sense of direction.. and i question the "who am i's" again... so now i have a new batch of questions.. namely: what's next? am i still right? what now? am i happy?

oh well God, i know you're still there.. and i find myself here again.. LOST.. and i abhor this feeling.. i'm the type of person who plans the major stuff and the minor ones come spontaneously.. but now i've lost my majors too.. grrr.. so now what? i was thinking of transferring to UST, taking up Journalism.. then get really high grades then transfer to UP.. and what if i want to do that just to prove that i'm really good at something.. that it's so not me to be under probation.. but then again, what do i really wanna be? there are so many things on my mind that it's so hard not to lose focus.. and that's the thing i need...

sooo, pray for me.. for complete peace.. i need that.. and i'm close to going crazy.. and i know slowly this messed up storm will come to an end.. i just have to listen.. and to trust God.. and whatever leaps i need to take, i'm all ears...

when days are cold

it's one of 'em saturdays where i'm stuck at home..
but right now, i am definitely loving this feeling!
i am finally rewarded with a break...
this morning, our fieldtrip to Wawa Dam got cancelled..
which is why i got to sleep a whole lot longer!!
i'm too lazy to even check my cellphone and read messages or something..
just a while ago, i finished the last disc of Friends season 3..
and i'm savoring every bit of this r&r day
you just hafta love every minute of life
and how things work for the better in the end

when things go wrong
i keep telling myself that things happen for a reason
and maybe right at this time, i'm back on track

now for more couch potato moments!!!

quick tribute..

to the person who keeps helping me forget
you're right there the moment i need you most
i don't ask for it, you just get there when you can

so for the second time in a row
you slowly help me up back on my feet
phew!

i love you for it
you're just perfect for the part
no feelings involved, yet ever so sweet

thanks for catching me again!

a short story...

to summarize my past four- six months... since i sincerely want to end this... there was this guy, as how every girl's adventure starts.. he told me he liked me.. and i was sooo anti-relationship then.. but after a while, i realized i liked this guy back.. but things happened, people change.. and my anti-relationship aura was so strong.. i was left hanging, something i probably deserved.. but then and there, i realized i was falling in love with this guy... come february, being the girl who always got her way.. i called him, asked him what happened.. although i don't think i spilled the fact that i fell in love.. 'cause that's not me.. i don't fall for people whom i know i can't have.. but silly me, i just did...i was half wishing he'd say that it's all he wanted to hear, but i knew i wasn't gonna get that.. so, just friends it was.. he said somethin' like i'd rather be friends with you than nothing? somethin' like that.. and i guess, that was also my honest feeling.. i still wanted to be friends with this dude, who was a really important friend to me in the first place.. there and then i said Ok to 'just friends'.. believing in my heart that it was what i truly wanted.. and besides, nobody replaced me just yet.. there was my mistake.. he found another one, a girl really close to me too.. how small can the world get? i couldn't compete with that.. well, i had no plans to.. i was a friend remember? so, i forgot about him.. about the feeling.. everything.. then come april.. with everything forgiven, everything ok.. i just felt it, like the wind breezing back through my hair.. i was still in love with this guy.. and there i was in a secluded place with him and the girl and many other people.. and no matter how i wanna say, i fell in love with you stupid! wasn't it obvious.. i admittedly couldn't.. he was happy, happier than i've ever seen him for the past few months.. happier than when he said he liked me.. that stung, big time.. like a knife stabbed through your heart, and you just keep it there... past every smile, past every laugh.. i was hurt beyond explanation.. even beyond my explanation.. it stung emotionally.. but it also did, physically.. i honestly felt my poor heart throb with pain.. that was me, the girl who could handle anything.. the girl who said she could just stand up to every fall.. and no matter how hars i tried to scrap the feeling, my heart was still screaming every happy moment i had with him... i couldn't stop talking about him.. i wanted to be with him.. maybe i really did love him? then came news i couldn't handle... the girl was getting jealous of me.. and may i remind you, she was also my close friend.. and that stung too.. i wouldn't wanna be girl in the middle... i'm done with that.. i took a step back, one amazingly huge step back that hurt me beyond reason.. i was happy with friendship, and i thought i had to give it up too.. there were nights i'd cry.. things hit me, i was sad and lonely.. unsatisfied.. i buried myself in school.. and no more drinking binges for me.. but i knew, i was honestly unhappy.. the perfect actress in me just pulled off all the smiles, the hyperness, the jokes, the funny stories.. i was still me, or so they thought.. then a few days ago, i heard from a friend that one of my girlfriends spilled that she didn't trust the guy for the girl.. and my honest feeling was, 'what?! i trust him wholeheartedly for the girl no matter how hurt i got.. woah, she has no right to say that?'... and that changed everything.. i knew i found the me i've been looking for... i'd still pull up that friend whom i loved.. beyond anyone's grasp.. that night, out of sheer coincidence.. or maybe God's perfect timing.. we got to talk.. i gave him my lines that i trusted him for this girl friend of ours.. and i felt the most sincere than i've ever felt in months.. putting my feelings aside, i'd be happy.. sooner or later.. i always end up that way.. so honesty works for me.. i also found out that the girl wasn't jealous of me so giving up the friendship was stupid.. i have to admit that everything still stings.. that's life.. and i've realized so many things about myself for the past few months.. i know a guy would never complete me, i'm complete like this.. but he can totally complement me.. like how oreo goes perfect with milk, and beer with sisig, or pork and beans.. :) and that having a relationship with someone in the barkada is ideal, because you already know each other's quirks and each other's crazy stories..i also have to admit that i wanted a relationship, i was looking for one.. and no, i'm no longer anti-relationship.. but one thing that can probably satisfy me is if i'm sure.. i want this to be the last time around.. and i know that will all happen in God's perfect timing..

so i'm truly on the process of letting go.. no butterfly should be left cooped up in a cage.. it was meant to fly.. no matter how beautiful and endearing it is, it has it's choice of where to land..

quick hello

i can't move... i tried walking my ass off... damn that boxing, but i don't regret having fun.. kinda liberating STRESS release.. but 'cause of that, i couldn't carry my butt to school this morning.. but imma work really hard to get to school... on another note, i've been having this incessant desire to have my hair chopped off.. so I DID! just a few hours ago. hmmm, i don't know what you guys are gonna expect.. but i loooove it!!! :) so anyway, i've got this lab report to finish.. gotta go!

antok.

antok. yan ako buong araw ngayon at kahapon. crazee. i'm tired and i'm exhausted. but i've been sleeping almost every second of this really hot day. and when i'm up for lunch, breakfast, dinner i feel sleepy. when i got out of the house to buy slurpee, i was sleepy. antok pretty much defines my whole day. and just as i started blogging, i wanna head off to bed. so that's exactly what i'm gonna do. hoping for better days. and sana, tomorrow's far better.

worked hard for this..

i looove this song.. even before it got played on the radio.. hope it doesn't get overplayed.. hmm.. i was trying to look for the lyrics, and found out that i gotta search for it under "other two" which was the original artist.. hmm...

Selfish by Sunset Daze

Someone I hate,
she think she's great unless you state the obvious.
You're next to me, entirely let's wait and see

Someone like you, selfish it's true
All you can do it's play to see entirely you disagree

No sense of reason, you think it's true
Why did you have to believe them?
No sense of reason,
What do I have to do?
There's no one else
You're deceiving

Sometimes it's true, forgiving you,
It's hard to do it's crystal clear,
(and it is) and not something
I can feel sure of

No sense of reason, you think it's true
Why did you have to believe them?
No sense of reason,
What do I have to do?
There's no one else

nakooo..

i am sooo tempted to diss summer class 'cause it truly is a bummer!! i'm missing 3 thingees with my kada and counting.. and my ateneo friends and i can't hang that much 'cause we're all working our asses off.. buuuut... i can't! i can't complain.. this has gotta work.. for some weird reason i'm half enjoying this summer semester.. fact is i have reasons to get away from things and i can zero in on my studies finally.. so ask me -> ni hao ma? well, i gotta say wo hen hao! zhende!

i just had all my notes photocopied.. i had the longest day in school.. from 7am to 5pm.. i'm sick and my voice ain't back yet.. but i'm still smiling.. guess nothing can rain on my parade now.. people say i'm blooming.. well it's cause i feel happy because i'm me.. i don't need any guy by my side to prove that.. i'm happy.. and i luuuurrrve it.. wahahahaha.. seriously, i finally got a for real 2nd chance on my college stuffy stuff and i'm sponsored 'til the end of 4th year.. i'm ssoooo glad! teehee...

so loooooovve this life you guys!! mwahuugggzzz! hehehe..

my next post would be much better.. :p

first of summer.. CLASS

ok, i decided not to take a leave and party all summer which was actually plan A.. haha.. but because i was very thankful that i'm still in Ateneo, i decided to give summer a chance... and someone did say 'school first'...

the only negative part about summer is ecology starts at 7.30 in the morning!!! and i wasn't able to take econ.. so i'm taking up foreign language, which is ok... not too negative.. i ain't bumming about the four hour break 'cause we did spend it well this morning.. sleep and DVDthon in yumi's house.. i'd be looking forward to t-th now.. hahahaha.. next time we cooK!

right now the ninjas are in za and acoy's boithday parteeeh... and here i am at home.... hahaha.. oh well, these are the sacrifices i have to make to stay in school.. and priorities need to be right once in a while.. i mean all the time.. hahaha.. although i do miss those guys, i spent a whole bunch of my short summer break with them.. lovin' it to bits..

i'm hopin' wishin' and prayin' that i'm gonna get it right this time... seriously.. i actually need this and want this... and i risked that last school year.. now that my being in Ateneo is on the line, i gotta work my butt off.. no complaints..

baCk hoMe

missing the beach already.. wish i could just go back, sit on the sand, listen to the waves, and take everything in as if it was my last.. but i know i'd always run back home..

i just came back from my tito's beach house in Paracale, Cam. Norte.. brought a few highschool friends over... namely: paola, omi (pao's cousin), gelo, floyd, fen, acoy... though we were just a small bunch, the whole trip would be listed under top1 of my most unforgettable summers LisT...

stargazing would top my list of to do's the next time i go to paracale.. hopefully bringing more friends this time.. hehe.. one new thing i did was night swim in the beach.. a new experience.. we all had our sleepless nights.. playing board games, cards, poker, watching dvds, drinking, singing karaoke, or throwing sand at each other for no reason at all.. the longer we stayed there the more we ate.. our food consumption slowly improved day by day.. :) pao managed to get herself a wee bit darker at the expense of adding to gelo's 'pagiging nognog' 'cause he was the only one up during mornings when pao planned to tan.. acoy is always crazy, running around and singing... omi is a new friend i enjoyed getting to know, guess we all did.. floyd and fen, though at most times were quiet certainly had fun too...my brothers enjoyed spending time with my crazy guy friends.. and my mom was simply fascinated by all our weird quirks.. it was all good.. it was great..

what mattered most were the talks we had.. the catching up.. the kwentos.. the 'asaran'.. the "ngiasims..." whatever that meant.. anything that strengthened the bond we already had made the trip worth while... though it was physically exhausting it was emotionally exhilarating.. i'm never gonna trade my friends for anything in this world...

the last 3 nights and 4 days i spent with the craziest bunch of friends i had reminded me that when things change it's true that they're never the same... but i doesn't only just work out in the end.. it works for the better... :)

so amazing...

Summer, winter, spring, and fall
I'll be around to catch ya calls
Cause you're my baby (you're my baby)
And I adore you
You always brighten up my day
I never ever let you wait
Cause you're my baby (you're my baby)
And you're amazing (so amazing)

on lonely summer nights...

i dream of Bali...


or any other summer get-away where i can sit and enjoy the silence and serenity of the beautiful place...

on nights when things seem so shitty and all that.. i just wanna get out...

so when you know i've bumped into nights where i feel my already crazy world crumbling some more..

i'll be in Bali.. learning to surf... or just digging my feet in the sand...

that's that..

if life is so short

i have wishes
i live on dreams
but my head, i never leave it up on the clouds...

but what if one of my prayers is on the verge of being answered
shouldn't i be jumping for joy?
but if that prayer includes me leaving a lot of things behind..
it sounds simply absurd..

yet i am very willing to accept it
with arms wide open
i want to embrace this new adventure
if it is what God wants me to do

in the end how would i know?
is this for real and why i am i so excited?

oh God.. if this is it..please give me the strength to continue
and the will to step ahead and face it with no regrets..

but if this is not what's meant to be
i hope i accept it with a happy heart
and still a willing spirit...

'cause i've lost a lot of hope
remaining stagnant emotionally, physically...
and i was thinking, a change would give me new meaning..

i'll listen..
i'm just your daughter
waiting for an answer..

recap.

mar31..
my bro's (ezra) graduation from 6th grade.. my BIG little brother is off to highschool.. man, i'm getting old.. hahaha....my dad's digicam got stolen so i took pics with my old school camera, film and all.. hahaha.. it was fun.. brought back memories of my grade school grad.. everybody was hugging and kissing in the end..hehehe.. had grad dinner in something fishy... then dessert in jack's loft.. we were all soooooo full when we got home.. i couldn't even think of food anymore..

apr1
woke up at 1pm..went to harm's bday celeb.. stayed 'til midnight to watch her blow the candles on her cake :) apr2 kase bday niya...

apr2
happy birthday harm!!!
i'm home.. i'm sober (newly rehabilitated they say).. and i'm blogging... that's my april 2 so far..

and apr7.. i can't wait.. :) i'll be off to the beach with some friends.. and i'll maintain my 'soberness' thank you very much.. i like it this way.... :)

just a memory...

it's not about the tears
it's how you never failed to make me laugh

and you're worth every single tear
worth every smile
and unforgettably close to my heart

today you simply can't see it

but someday
you'll understand why

525,600 minutes

how do you measure a year? measure life in seasons of love and it'll be worth it :)

and i have to say that life is worth it when there are friends that i can i trust my life with... you guys know who you are and you know the story.. :) i don't have to elaborate now do i? all i have to say is that i'm quitting the lifestyle.. that's the last of that... i don't wanna hear gelo say '4 and counting'..it's nice to stop at three and no longer count from there ryt?...

what helped me up in the morning were the conversations i had with my mom and gelo... i'm grateful that my mom rocks.. and wouldn't trade that for the world.. gelo on the other hand was someone i never expected to talk to but thanks! as far as i remember, i sent him a message in the morning saying that i'm wasting away and that this isn't me.. and i miss me...

slowly i'm trying to pull back all the pieces that i've thrown away..and maybe in time i can truly say that i'm complete... i remember my psych prof saying that in entering relationships, you have to be whole first.. 'cause how in the world can you share life if you're lacking? and that's true..and maybe it holds true not only in boy-girl relationships but also in friendships and in family... i'd love it when that day comes that i can share ME, the whole me to the world... 'cause somewhere inside the deep dark heart full of broken glass and shattered dreams, there is a sun that'll shine and a light whose glow is worth waiting for...

and i gotta start now.. 'cause there's no day but today... :)

p.s. i've got a rent hangover 'cause i just watched it with my tita awhile ago.. it's a must see :)

so sick

the song played at the exact time i flipped the channel to MTV... thanks MTV for that friendly reminder.. i just had to blog about it.. everybody's ranting 'bout love and i've got nothin' to rant about... you see i've turned cynical/ skeptical again on anything 'bout romance.. and i am so sick of love songs! and sooooo tired of tears... i'm telling you, this is it.. i ain't gonna risk big time things like my HEART in the near future, no thanks! i've had quite enough for a few years, i'm taking a break.. a well deserved one.. and what i told my friend just a few minutes ago, we're strong bitches, no one can detest to that..

well, i'm a strong girl... and i can live w/o love, m.o.b.S, and the like for the meantime.. :)

and now, to get ready for archie's party... hahaha..

just these lines

I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

i abhor boredom.. and what i loathe more are headaches... and right now, i am suffering from both.. first weekday with no school and it sucked! the only good thing is that i was able to catch up on my sleeping..besides that, blech...my summer agenda to sleep all day and party all night didn't work for me today.. why? i wasn't allowed to go out.. damn..haha.. no regrets.. tomorrow has to be better than this..

so..a survey...stolen from lyra's multiply..hope she doesn't mind... just to kill time.. hahaha... and boredom...

(1) Who did you last go out with?
> sina floyd, acoy, havoc, bags.. boys night out???

(2) What do you want to receive on your birthday?
> lotsa money.. hahahaha...

(3) Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?
> my cellphone..

(4) What time did you sleep last night?
> 2am...

(5) What's the wallpaper on your computer
> A flower on a sky blue background.. boring yeah...

(6) What are you going to do 5 hours later?
> still be in bed i guess!!

(7) Is there anyone/anything you're thinking of now?
> yep..plans for 2m...hoping it's gonna be a busy day..

(8) What was the last thing you touched before the computer?
> remote control..

(10) What can you hear besides the computer?
> the electric fan...and this annoying thing that keeps banging on the wooden wall..

(11) Why did you answer this?
> i'm bored... ain't it obvious?

(12) Name 5 people you saw yesterday
> ma, ez, elij, river, cleone

(13) Do you agree to the saying "Forgive is to forget"?
> nope... sometimes you've already forgiven, but the forgetting part takes a longer time..

(14) When, where was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?
> friday early morning.. right before i decided to call shoti and rant...

(15) What/who makes you happy?
> friends, family, my dog, the beach!!!

(16) What makes you sad?
> being left out in the cold and losing something worth a lot to you..

(17) What are your favorite books?
> soooo many!!! but right now it's by the river piedra i sat down and wept by paulo coelho..

(18) What would you like to have right at this moment which seems totally impossible ?
> nevermind.. i've grown too tired of wishing for it...and it seems that it's no longer worth it..

(19) Who will you turn to if you have a huge prob?
> my mom...

(20) What's your favorite song at the moment?
> so sick!!! :p

(21) What was the last song that kept ringing
> Bad Day - Daniel Powter.. now karlo, i wonder why??? hahahaha...

(22) What was the best event that happened last year?
> i gotta say my debut!!!! :)