The ♥ Day/Month Pressure

I like to think that i am against the capitalist version of v-day where boys/girls have to give/get flowers, chocolates and be on dates 'cause i figured that showers of love should be given all year round and those who give a whole lot of effort on v-day have failed in all other days of the year.

And being in a relationship would remove the pressure of the single awareness day stuff.

Instead it made me realize that i do like to celebrate love in a different kind of way once a year, and that i do like showers of cheesiness or romance even once in a while. not the girlfriend that has no trace on twitter, and gets little or no public expressions of love, who doesn't get random e-mail messages, and who has to ask to be with her boyfriend to make up for future lost time.

And relationships have always scared me, cause i wouldn't know how to act or what to do. But apparently something inside me knows what i want and i get all weird when i don't get it. The worst part is how i always feel second best to something else or part of the ensemble instead of being the lead. Maybe i still have that hopeless romantic version in me, since i like giving gifts, pulling off surprises, family dinners, and just enjoying every moment together and i find out that the reality version of it isn't that perfect. And i find myself being all publicly cheesy even without being reciprocated, and it either gets tiring or embarrassing.

I'm not sure if this has been me all along or Med School has made me take a turn for the worse. haha. But i wish i was the girl friend whom i thought i was, where simple things are enough. Well they are, but i guess i have my bad days. And i wish there weren't any. But i still am a girl, and i still have days where i want to feel that i was worth the wait, the chase and all other things.... especially when i'm not the type of person who asks for it every single day of her life and especially when i wasn't even chased in the first place. And it's hard to explain that to a boy friend who was your best friend because his being there should be enough. It is. But i still don't want to be taken for granted.

So ♥ month adds extra pressure, extra sadness and extra weird raging hormones where i end up being the girl friend i didn't think i would be. Since i thought i'd get a better version of V-day when i was no longer single, i got that last year and maybe it was hard to top that, especially since the next following years breaks would be non-existent. And just like many years before, i can't wait for this month to be over.